Dear Freddie, you’re welcome.

I do feel guilty for leaving and maybe it’s that guilt that is making me keep going back, like I need to make up for it, but then the issues why I left are still there.

Yeah, it seems guilt is the major factor. And if you go back, those issues will still remain because you’ve been doing the on and off for 6 months now, but nothing was resolved, was it? You and partner said you’d work on things, but by the looks of it, you haven’t managed to work anything out and it only led to new arguments:

About 6 months later I started feeling like there were issues in the relationship that needed addressing, mainly to do with money and having children. We talked stuff out and said we would work on things but a few days later we argued about things and I left. I went back about a week later and stuck around for another 2 weeks before leaving again. Since then we have been off and on, one of us will make contact and the cycle starts again.

So it seems likely to me that if you go back, it would happen again. Unless you let go of the issue altogether, give up on what’s important to you, and stop “bothering” her. To me, this seems like the only way there could be “peace” and “reconciliation” between the two of you.

I mean, when you raised those concerns over the past 6 months and you two agreed to “work on things”, what exactly did you agree on? Did she agree to talk to you and explain the situation with her daughter? Did she say she’d work in therapy on her fear of opening up? I mean, was there any willingness on her part to actually address your concerns? And if so, has she done anything in that direction?

I’m having trouble dealing with the aftermath now, again feeling guilty for what I set in motion and guilty that I left and hurt my partner.

Yes, you did set things in motion, but you did it for clarity, for your own future happiness frankly, because you didn’t want to get married and have children with someone who might have issues being a mother. You stirred things up not because you wanted to hurt her or because you’re selfish, but because you have the right to know what you’re getting yourself into. It’s a major life decisions that we’re talking about here.

But I can imagine this was met with blame and guilt-tripping you, as if it was somehow your fault that she wasn’t more interested in her daughter. It seems to me your partner refused to take responsibility for her part of the problem, and instead shifted the blame on you. And you, being quick to blame yourself, went along and accepted it. You accepted that it was you to blame for the breakup of your relationship. Would you agree?

I also get triggered by social media posts about guys who don’t appreciate the girl they had and lose them and how the girl is better off without them, so I guess I take this on myself as I have given up and I’m the bad guy.

Has she been posting those types of posts on social media? But even if not, if you’re prone to self-blame, these kinds of posts would have found a “fertile ground” in you, and they would exacerbate your sense of guilt…