Dear Caroline,

you’re very welcome!

She even told me she was in love with me, and I think I told her this too. But it was so weird, she had some issues with ex girlfriend who found out about me and our “relationship” was not longer a fairy tale, we hurt someone else and then we hurt each other.

I see… so it could be that when her ex found out about you (and perhaps was jealous?), you felt as if you two were hurting her (“we hurt someone else”). And you felt guilty and perhaps believed you don’t deserve the “fairy tale” (was not longer a fairy tale). And you then sabotaged it by cheating on her. Could this be what happened?

She once called me her girlfriend but I did not even react, I think I did not see this text and when I did it was couple days later..

So it seems you disregarded that she told you she was in love with you, and that she called you her girlfriend. And it could be because the guilt was bigger – the guilt that you were hurting someone, even if that someone was her ex (and therefore mostly irrelevant for your relationship).

I know you did not say it wasn’t love, but.. do you think it wasn’t?

Now that I understand it a bit better, I think you did love her, but it seems your guilt was bigger and you sort of sabotaged it.

I think this all comes back to me because it was not processed at the time. I drank and did not want to face those feelings, and now they came back.

You’re right, I think the time has come to process it now… process what happened back then, but have compassion for yourself. Don’t blame yourself. As you said, you had a lot of issues and trauma, so have compassion for the confused and wounded self that you were back then. You can even write an apology letter to her, and then burn it, i.e. never send it. That could be a good closure…

It is true that something is lacking in my life right now, I am calm and things are in order but there is no romance, spontaneous meetings, happiness. It’s more like adult life. Routine. Is it bad?

Yeah, routine without any excitement is pretty bad. Try to spice things up. Perhaps once you process the feelings regarding this ex girlfriend, things might start moving within you, and perhaps some of your joy and excitement for life will come back…