Tee,

Thank you for taking the time to understand. I appreciate it. I know it’s wrong that I think about it (wrong because of my current girlfriend) but I cannot help it. I cannot switch it off and stop so I choose to process it a little bit, think it through so again thank you for your time and effort.

“I see… so it could be that when her ex found out about you (and perhaps was jealous?), you felt as if you two were hurting her (“we hurt someone else”). And you felt guilty and perhaps believed you don’t deserve the “fairy tale” (was not longer a fairy tale). And you then sabotaged it by cheating on her. Could this be what happened?”

Yes. First when we met it was great. It was like we found each other. It was so instant. It was so obvious and normal that this is the one. She touched my hand at the cinema and I just knew. I know it sounds so..cliche and silly but those moments are so powerful.

Then I found out she just broke up with someone and there was some confusion, jealousy. I was also dating someone but I left this person because of HER. We both had someone who was hurt because of us, at that time. I know it sounds like very trivial and silly but it really wasn’t for me. I may have sabotaged it, I see it now. She was still jealous, suspicious, even though I told her I was single already. She tried to make me jealous, posted pictures with ex girlfriend, even though I knew she did not love her but it broke my heart seeing them because I knew they were still hanging out, I could not stand it. And I was too, hanging out with other people. Then her ex tried to hurt herself and they lived together again. I tried to text her, call her but she did not want to talk to me, said I was selfish. It got really hard to communicate. Too many things we did not talk about. I did not cheat until before our last meeting. It was someone I barely knew and did not care about. I think I wanted to stop loving her, that’s why I did it.

I thought she cheated on me too, but seeing her reaction and how hurt she looked.. I can assume she never cheated on me.

“Now that I understand it a bit better, I think you did love her, but it seems your guilt was bigger and you sort of sabotaged it.”

“You’re right, I think the time has come to process it now… process what happened back then, but have compassion for yourself. Don’t blame yourself. As you said, you had a lot of issues and trauma, so have compassion for the confused and wounded self that you were back then. You can even write an apology letter to her, and then burn it, i.e. never send it. That could be a good closure…”

Good idea. I wrote couple of words to her, did not send it. I sent it to myself on social media with a plan to send it to her, although I know I shouldn’t and probably won’t. But I really would like to do it, to talk to her, call her. I does not hurt to fantasize. Or maybe it does because it is on my mind too much. Maybe I will write some more and it will give me some closure. Writing some of it here helps me to organize my thoughts (although it seems like I am more guilty so it is not very comfortable to realize )