Hi Adam,

I am glad you’re feeling better now, even if a bit shaken. But at least you’re clear now that you can’t continue as before, accepting her unconditionally, and basically, playing by her rules. Which were hurting you.

She is just so conflicted in her thoughts and about everything she says.

I think she is confused and conflicted because she doesn’t want to admit (perhaps not even to herself) that she doesn’t want to change. That’s why when you told her you’re moving on and that she needs to fix things, she got upset. (She was the one that said we need to move on so I agreed and said I’m moving on, and that she needs to fix things. I gave her the treatment she gave me and she got upset!)

She doesn’t want to take responsibility for her behavior, and I think this is visible from this what she told you:

I say selfishly because I know that I will only result in more pain for both of us when we go through what we’ve gone through all over again.

She doesn’t say she is responsible for the pain you two went through, but just that there was a lot of pain. So even though she says she doesn’t want you go through the pain again, she doesn’t want to admit that she is responsible for that pain. Or even if she admits that she is responsible, she doesn’t want to do anything to alleviate that pain, i.e. to work on herself.

So it’s like she is aware that she’s selfish, but she doesn’t want to change. And it’s like “take it or leave it” for you, because she’s not budging. And I am glad you chose to “leave it” – to remove yourself from this impossible situation, which leads nowhere but to more suffering for you.

I think she knows that regarding the friends, I knew it wouldn’t work deep down. Ideally I just wanted contact every few weeks at least to check up on her.

Okay, if you can stop yourself from rushing to her rescue again, attempting the impossible…

I know now I need to completely leave her alone as her issues are not mine anymore.

This is a great attitude! It’s so very true that her issues are not yours and that she would need to help herself first. You can’t save her. I am so glad you’re clear about this!

No nothing good will come out of this situation right now. I am feeling a lot better about everything now but I am still obviously shook up. I am looking forward to what the future has in store most of all.

I am happy for you, Adam. You’re in the right place, even though it’s all been very stressful for you. But as you said, you handled it very well and stood up for yourself. Kudos to you, Adam! You did the right thing.