Hi Adam,

good to hear from you!

The other night I saw her and she wanted me to leave because she was in a bad mood so I did. Once I got home she was saying she needed me and apologized but then was disappointed that I didn’t come back.

she says she does need me but I can’t set the expectation that I’m going to drop everything and be there for her at the click of her fingers.

It seems she is switching back and forth (although perhaps not on purpose, but as a result of her inner turmoil), and then expects you to follow suit. It reminds me of a remote control car: she has the remote control and expect you to get closer as she pushes the button, and then go away when she pushes another button. It’s like she wants to control you, she wants you to move at the push of the button, or the click of her fingers, as you put it. And it’s not good, Adam, it’s a form of control. It’s good you didn’t go back that night when she “apologized”.

It seems she believes it’s enough if she apologizes, and it absolves her of any responsibility. But she is still responsible for those fluctuations in her mood, for the push-and-pull tactic she is applying on you. And she is again not taking responsibility, not wanting to go to therapy and work on herself. Rather, it seems she wants to engage you, once again, in that same endless cycle.

I know it’s hard for you to let go, but I think she is playing with you. I mean, she obviously doesn’t want to work on her healing. I think she just wants to have you on “remote control”. That’s why I think it would be best for your well-being if you stopped contact.

Because I guess you easily get sucked into wanting to help her. You can’t just keep your communication to once per week or once per two weeks, as you intended, but you get sucked into the “vortex”, you go to her place etc.

I’m trying to distance myself and she just sees it as me not wanting her.

This is manipulation on her part. Because first she says she needs you, then you go to her place, then she sends you away, then  she wants you to go back again…  It’s her who doesn’t want you, but wants to play with you.

It’s all very confusing.

She is making things confusing because of the push-and-pull tactics, but it’s a part of the game that she is playing. Even if she’s not doing it purpose, she is still doing it, and shows no tendency of changing. So please try to remove yourself from the game, from trying to help her, because I think her behavior isn’t doing good for you.