Dear Katrine,

Thank you. It’s a huge relief that it’s getting easier.

you’re welcome. I am happy for you and the progress you’ve made!

Oh sorry it’s the same girl (green eyes brown hair, same looks like me and his x girlfriend ) just me not articulating properly.

Oh I see… didn’t know that you too are brunette, so that’s what got me confused…

My guy was certain that he liked me, but he doesn’t seem jealous really just didn’t like when I said that it hurt seeing them together (before he told me he liked me)

No wonder he didn’t like it..  because it told him you still have feelings for the guy. And that’s why he was probably hesitating to kiss you, once you started getting close to each other.

I didn’t have the best respond to him when he asked about my thoughts about us dating. I acted very childdish, I shut down and basically pretended I couldn’t hear him, then mentioned that I was looking therapy so I could start dating. I just panicked a bit, couldn’t say yes but couldn’t say no.

Okay, that was your reflex reaction – to shut down and want to run away. But it’s great that you did get together after all… that he didn’t give up and things just progressed organically…

I felt trapped it just really caught me off guard cuz he never flirted with me, he said a lot of nice things to me and about me to others but he is a nice guy.

Right… I guess he never flirted with you because he knew you had a crush on the other guy. And he wasn’t trying to compete with him, because he is a decent guy. But I understand it caught you by surprise that he wants to be more than friends, because he’d never shown it before. That was probably another reason why you were caught off guard and reacted confused/panicky at first… But anyway, that’s past now, I am glad you got together after all!

I am constanly worried that he will leave me. Going from friends to more changes the dynamic and now all my wounds comes to surface, like you say. I nearly broke it off before it started because it would be easier for me to leave him than for him to leave me. I get very defensive when that wound gets activated. Your absolutly right and this is a good chance for me to heal those wounds

Good that you’re aware of your fear of abandonment. Try to observe it, but don’t identify with it. See it as just one part of yourself. The wounded child in you is afraid of abandonment. But there is the adult part of you as well, who sees things from a broader perspective. You, the adult Katrine, know that people like you and want to hang out with you. You also know that your guy likes you and cares about you, and that he stayed by your side all this time while you were recovering from the crush, and that he is a decent guy who keeps his word. And that he doesn’t lie and manipulate.

So when the little girl in you starts panicking, try to soothe her, tell her you love her and that you’ll protect her. And also, that you’ll be her advocate. Which you are already doing – you are already speaking up, advocating for things that matter to you, and also being more open about your fear with your boyfriend:

i am speaking my thruth more and more. Even just having that chat with the manager about the head chef was hard for me but I did it, and I have been opening up to him before he left that it was hard for me to see him leave and he said he felt the same.

You’re doing great, Katrine. You are being vulnerable and admitting your fears and your needs – which is a precondition for a healthy relationship! And it’s wonderful that he too is open about his feelings, that he admits how much he misses you. And also that he is willing to talk to you on the phone. Which means he is responding well to your feelings and your needs.

Being aware of when I start to assume I know what him (and people) are thinking is my first step, because I really don’t want to screw it up because of the past.

Yes, be aware of those fears and try to anchor yourself in your adult self, which is getting stronger and stronger by the day!

I also think I am reacting this strongly because not only is he away for that long he’s also no longer working the same place as me, and it makes me afraid.

Right… you’re afraid that distance will weaken his interest for you. But keep in mind that he left because it was a family emergency, not because he wanted to run away from you. And he’s going to be away only for a couple of months. You’re already planning a trip together in June. And also, he never lost interest in you even when you had eyes only for the other guy… So keep all that in  mind – those are the facts. They can help you deal with the fear when it comes up.

I have been going out with my collegues for drinks and dinner and it was really what I needed.

Great! You’re having a good time with your colleagues, you feel welcome and accepted (remember in the past you didn’t feel like that – you felt unwanted a lot of the times). It’s good to hear that hanging out with your colleagues uplifts and energizes you…

Work has been so overwhelmening, too many changes Y is apparently gonna be our new f&b manager (after the one who got fired) which has made people wanna quit.

Oh, people wouldn’t like Y to be your f&b manager?