Peter,

No need to apologise.  It doesn’t sound harsh to me.  To be honest, I don’t really understand the message.  I spoke to my friend again last night and she agreed to meet with me in a few days at her house.  I’m not sure how it will turn out and she thinks it will be a bad idea for both of us but recognises that it is important to me.  After 4 years of waiting, I just want to spend time with her and would be perfectly happy to sit with her in silence and do nothing.  Although very unlikely, I can’t rule out the possibility that this could be the start of another “on again” phase.  The relationship has had many endings that were all thought to be absolutely final and they have turned out not to be.  If that hope is obliterated perhaps I will get some release and be able to let go and move on.  I can’t be sure of that and suspect I will continue to live in hope that the person who I have loved for over 30 years will come back to me.  Even if it happened, I know it would go nowhere as I have never been able to deal with the other side of my life.  My actions with that part seem to be under the control of my damaged subconscious mind.  I am unable to move forward rationally and create an outcome that my heart and rational mind has been crying out for, for the last 30 years.