Tee,
I know I have caused her an awful lot of pain.  The situation over all the years must have been truly awful for her.  I’m resolved to not cause anymore pain.  We are at ease with each other, which is remarkable considering our history.  She is getting on with life and living life to the full and seems to be in a happy place.  She means an awful lot to me so I want her to be happy.  When she’s sad so am I so I must not cause more distress with promises I can’t deliver.   When I am calm and rational and we are in a good place, the promises seem to be the easiest thing to deliver but the calm rational thinking gets completely destroyed by my irrational, subconscious, side which I can’t control.  It controls me no matter how much I try to override it.  I have always thought of myself as being fairly grounded and balanced and that is usually the case in most aspects of my life but have concluded that is not always the case and far from it.