Dear Tee… thank you very much for your reply. Indeed, you got it, i think you understood a lot of what I’ve shared and I truly appreciate people like you taking the time to read so many of my posts that, honestly, I have only recently realized are a LOT.

To confirm the story you already got, yeah, my father passed away after having a lot of financial issues and a very serious illness that took his mobility away. He was really devastated with not being able to solve things financially, I guess, and it ended up becoming a difficult illness. Very little time before that, since we had no money at all my mom started working in whatever she could to pay for school and food but it wasn’t enough so she decided us to go to my grandmothers home, where part of that narcissistic family lives and where I think I suffered a very different kind of violence. My mom had a very big heart and did take care of my dad, even with little money we used to buy groceries for him but it was awful, sometimes I feel like we left him behind. Still, in our home we eventually didn’t have water, electricity, or food, so I guess she had to make that choice. But wow. If only I could have avoided that place.

A parenthesis: I don’t think I ever suffered from “violence” per se with my parents, only their turmoiled emotional lives together and whatever, but nothing like these people. For instance, JUST as an example, when I was like 11 years old, I  had to stay on my own with him for like 15 days, my mom had to travel to see her sister who was sick, so this was the first time ever I had to be around this father figure who was really uncomfortable for me. He was a bit of a difficult character. One day I was making him a present and he yelled at me because he saw me and thought I was about to “make a mess in the carpet”, after many other situations that week. Later we met at the kitchen and I started crying and, don’t ask me where this came from, but I told him he was damaging my self-esteem. I remember his eyes, wow, he stopped, he sat down and hugged me and started crying. He asked me to forgive him, he said something like: I’m sorry, my child, I didn’t know. I would never forgive myself for that, never allow that from anyone. We cried together and that was, in retrospective, one of THE most healing moments I can remember of my dad and that honestly has done most of my therapy regarding him, realizing he was a good man, and he would recognize when something was not okay. He totally changed the following days we had together and I saw that he made an effort to avoid this irritable side of himself. I really feel he was like a kid that day, he was so ashamed and so human. I forgave him, you know? But at the same time it was really hard to tell when he was gonna be mad at something, but I know he loved me, he had a very difficult upbringing though.

So, anyways, the difference with my uncles and all the rest of the family is that they would NEVER, EVER apologize for ANYTHING. When my father died, since they didn’t like him, they decided never to mention him, or the situation. The day my dad passed, no one spoke to me. No one gave me a hug. Nothing. I was already living in that house and they wouldn’t speak to me, I was 14 years old… They even later told my mom they couldn’t avoid being mean to me because I looked too much like my dad. They wouldn’t allow me to use the computer, or answer the phone, they’d come in angry bursts to “punish” me for things I never did… all a horrible systematic dynamic that lasted for the first years until I totally isolated and stopped having lunch with them, etc, (which was also a reason to call me a rebel, a disrespectful teen, etc.). I was fully depressed when I was 21. I don’t blame my mom, in the meantime, she worked from 8 am to 10 pm at a restaurant to be able to pay for school and later, college. But I did resent her a lot for not being more firm with them. For not seeing them for who they actually were, even after proving it once, twice and a million times. Today I have inherited the sweet problem of her having given up her rights regarding the family house. They tricked her when she was just moving in, telling her that my dad’s financial situation could affect her name and all of their shared properties so that it was better for her to not appear in one document or two. It KINDA made sense at the time but it was absurd the amount of abuse that she also received from them, making her feel like a failure, like she married someone who was beneath them and his death sort of proved it, she could only feel shame and at least feel grateful that they would take us in. So my mom was in a very vulnerable condition, BUT, there is something in me thats quite different and I value it a lot, and it’s the fact that I might have mistakes, I might be vulnerable in some ways, but I DON’T fall for certain things and it pisses me off that they did that to her. They would have never been able to do that to me, but, those documents are so so so old that cannot be reversed, now I practically depend on their good will to give me my part. And you can imagine how that’s going, they wont steal directly, but they refuse to make decisions and try to manipulate every movement related to our shared properties.

In the end, i don’t know who I am anymore, I clearly am a very traumatized person, honestly people sometimes don’t even see it and see me quite functioning, but THE moment I start talking and sharing about this even my closest friends gaslight me. like, yeah but you shouldn’t live in the past, you cannot hold so many grudges, you have to forgive, etc. HOW can you do that when no one, not even a therapist, has been there to validate and guide my way out? I’m not stupid and I know this is not true, I know I’ve been abused, but I’m no wonder woman either… I mean, I do doubt things, I havent been able to internalize that I am not deserving of that, and a lot more, like, I’m afraid to lose people again just for sharing what I’ve been through. I just lost a friend just because I got mad that, after 3 years of my mom passing, shes telling me she doesn’t see me well and that I should be worried, that I should take medicine or something because I feel empty and alone. my god. How else would i feel? I mean, if I see the history in these forums I realise there is sooo much hurt. It’s not me not being grateful… true things have happened and keep happening. It’s NOT in the past. These people keep being my one and only karma and now I’m without my mom, they one person who I truly loved from that family… so wow. Jesus I’m sorry for this very lenghty message. I really appreciate that you tell me I have been gaslighted and validate my story even without knowing me and if I don’t know you or where you are. It even feels scary to read it, and to feel the relief. I totally am not used to being told this. THANK YOU.