Hi Adam,

good to hear from you again!

I am sorry you’re hurt once again, but at the same time, I hope you can see now that this relationship was pretty bad for you and your mental health.

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I felt as I couldn’t be myself and do what I want to do. She needed a caregiver 247 and when I wasn’t there for her it was again signs of me not loving her enough and her not getting what she was wanting.

We were fighting a lot the last couple weeks and it was all brought on due to her not feeling connected etc. we’d have a chat and sort things out but then again days or a week later she would say she wasn’t getting what she wanted.

It seems it was all about her and her needs. She really felt she can press a button and you’ll show up, or you’ll disappear from her sight on demand. That is emotional abuse, Adam. You saw it well. Anna Runkle (The Crappy Childhood Fairy) calls it emotional abuse too. She used the phrase “yanking a dog’s chain”. She also calls it trauma bonding: constantly switching from being nice and loving to you, to then blaming you and wanting to break up with you. That’s not true love, but trauma bonding.

You were hooked on her nice words and promises, that’s why you tolerated her abuse. And it was hard to let go, because you were craving those moments of connection and intimacy that were there. But the problem is that those good moments were soon followed by attacks and withdrawal. So it was a roller-coaster. And this roller-coaster of being “loved” in one moment and then rejected in the next is called trauma bonding.

I feel quite attacked honestly. I don’t think my side was ever considered and she would selfishly use me as a punching bag for her irrational behavior. I felt really shit about myself after an argument the other night and I remember thinking I can’t leave her but that she was going to do it soon. Now it’s happened and I may not be happy at the moment but I needed an out. I think I may have been receiving slight emotion abuse at times.

Yes, it was emotional abuse definitely, and not only slight. It’s a pity that you felt you can’t leave. Do you now, after seeing the video and understanding it was emotional abuse – feel any different?

As explained in the video it wasn’t a relationship that I wanted but I did tell myself and I push past this and deal with all the bad despite how it made me feel there would be light at the end.

Yes, because she hooked you with those good moments when it felt as if she loved you. That’s why you felt hope. You hoped that she would seek therapy and heal her trauma, so she can love you always, not only sometimes. But it never happened, because she doesn’t want therapy.

she told me nothing changed even though she told me what I needed to do. However I don’t believe I needed to change anything.

Oh she told you you need to change? And how so?

The whole situation sucks but I am feeling a tad better about it this time, I think I’ve just woken up to what was happening and I also got over trying to fill a bottomless pit with my love.

I also hope you’re waking up to how abusive this relationship was!

I lost myself in the process

I hear you, Adam. You tried to fit yourself to her requirements, you tried everything not to upset her, you tried to be supportive of her ups and downs… Anna Runkle calls this “crap fitting”. When we try to fit ourselves to crap that our partner is exposing us to.

But you can recover, Adam. However, you need to stop contacting her, stop trying to change her. You need to let her go, because she can’t give you what you need. Do you think you can do that?