Hi Adam,

you’re welcome!

It. Really did feel like it was all about her and your analogy of the remote control car in one of your previous comments was a perfect one. She really did control everything including how I felt. When I would resist or stand my ground it was more signs of imperfect love, I was only trying to encourage her own self reliance. I was living through the lens of her happiness and not my own.

This very much sounds like you were codependent on her – your happiness depended on her happiness and you tried everything to make her happy. When you couldn’t be on “standby” 100% of the time, she would accuse you of not loving her perfectly. So your life revolved around her and trying to make her happy…

She told me I need to change by being there for her more and understanding what she was feeling. I was constantly told I wasn’t listening to her or understanding her needs.

The responsibility of work and owning a house is a lot. She has neither and for this reason she couldn’t understand the demand of my life at times.

She would accuse me of not having my priorities right, expecting that she should be number 1 before anything else.

Yeah, this is typical in people with trauma: it’s all about their needs, they want to be your No1 and come before everything else. It’s basically the demands of a child who needs attention and care 100% of the time. The problem is that she is not a child any more, and you’re not her mother. You cannot babysit her all the time. She refused to take responsibility for herself and shifted that responsibility on you, and then sort of bullied you when you wouldn’t accept it fully.

My priority is my future, family and me. I feel as if these all correlate in my life and a partner is included in that, not any higher or lower on some list.

It’s a good attitude. We’re not supposed to be our partner’s care-taker. In fact, both partners need to be adult enough to heal any major childhood wounds they may have, because only then can they participate in a healthy relationship. And a healthy relationship is interdependent, not codependent.

I never heard of trauma bonding until today but I started seeing the signs of emotional abuse last week. This was definitely what I was experience as well as manipulation. I think it was unintentional but still that isn’t what I want from a relationship.

I also wasn’t clear what exactly trauma bonding was, but now that I watched that video again, it became clear to me. And it’s really what you had too: intimacy and closeness alternating with blaming and rejection. I am glad you’ve become aware that it was actually abuse and that she used you as her punching bag.

I do feel a bit different, I don’t know how to describe it but I feel violated and taken advantage.

Yeah, that’s normal. Abuse does that to us… Try to be gentle on yourself. Practice self-care, have plenty of rest and do the things that make you happy. You need to start focusing on yourself and your own needs – so turn the attention inwards.

I am waking up to it. I felt so trapped and alone the day before she left me. It’s because I was in the end. I was suffering in silence because of her mental instability. I felt as I couldn’t speak in fear of upsetting her or just being straight up rejected. That in itself is hurting me as I am questioning if I maybe should have spoken up more. However I don’t think it would change any outcome.

No, you couldn’t have changed anything with her. Nothing you might have said would have made a difference. You already spent months and months discussing things, and there was no change. So no, you couldn’t have done anything. Please don’t blame yourself for her behavior or for the breakup.

I know I need to stop. I have removed her off everything and my headspace is on fixing myself and not latching onto hopes of a future relationship.

Good! She might contact you again, saying she is sorry, but please don’t allow to get hooked again! Please stay away from her because her behavior is toxic.

I texted My psych again today I hopes to book another appointment. I bottled everything up last session as I was too afraid to say I felt I was being abused emotionally, I wasn’t sure if it was me overthinking.

Yeah, you weren’t sure yet. And sometimes we tend to hide the truth even from ourselves, justifying and trying to excuse our partner’s behavior, even blaming ourselves. But it’s good you’re seeing it now, and are ready to talk about it and process it.

Please take good care of yourself in the coming days and weeks. Hope to talk to you soon!