Hi Adam,

No we are not staying friends. Like you mentioned I was there for her for 11 months straight.

Good you’re not staying friends!

She was only saying things like ‘I’d love to still have you in my life’ but I don’t think she actually meant it. If she did I would be.

I think you shouldn’t agree to stay in her life even if she asks for it. Because it would inevitably lead to getting attached to her again and sucked into the relationship. So please, if she reaches out wanting to be friends, don’t accommodate her. Because you need to focus on yourself in this next phase. You can’t be sucked into caring about her all the time, which inevitably leads to emotional abuse and losing yourself.

She really blamed me for a lot. It hurt to hear her say that in her final message. That she took it out on me because that’s what it really felt like at the time and I was so confused, I tore myself apart because I thought I was overthinking it. Made me feel worthless and like I was doing something wrong but it was her just taking anger out on me.

Yeah, as you said, you ended up being her punching bag. That was clearly emotional abuse – blaming you and not taking responsibility for her own moods and actions.

There was so many things, mostly innocent that triggered her. I wouldn’t even no where to start but whenever there was a disagreement her first reaction was to leave and it almost seemed like a power move to keep me on my toes.

Yes, it seems she was using withdrawal and breakups as a means to control you, to make you more accommodating and more compliant with her needs.

However the next day she told me she only said that to be petty. She wanted me to know that I can’t pick and choose when I see her. I stopped asking for my own time after that.

Wow, that’s really controlling! It’s like saying “your needs don’t matter, I don’t care what you want. It only matters what I want. If I need you, you’ll get here, no discussion about that!” It’s almost like wanting to completely possess you. And you yielded, in fact. You stopped asking anything for yourself…

I was like a parent, partner, caretaker, brother and a friend all in one. It was a full time job and it became so consuming and overwhelming.

Yes, and she wanted to possess you completely, it seems. You were her ownership, not a free person with your own needs and wants.

I am trying to focus on things that make me happy. Work and my house is a big priority for me. At the moment it’s hard to find things that make me happy

I think the reason you don’t know what makes you happy is that you have been completely focused on her for a long time. Did you have hobbies in the past? Did you have things you enjoyed doing?

You say your work and house are a priority for you. Is that something that makes you happy, or it’s more like tasks that need to be tended to?

I’m glad I’m not walking on egg shells anymore. I had this realization last night when I was sitting and home and it just seemed so peaceful. No responsibility with how another person is feeling. No bad moods affecting my mood.

Yes, it’s liberating. Cherish those moments free from emotional abuse. However, it can be that after a while you’ll start feeling bored and down a little bit… Do you have friends you can spend time with on the weekends? Something or someone to help you with those lonely moments that will inevitably creep up after a while?

I felt loved as a child I think as a teenager, especially from girls I didn’t feel loved. More judged. I might have attachment issues because of this, I’m planning to speak to my psych about it too.

So you felt judged by girls, not loved? It’s a bit like with her too – she judged you, you were never good enough.

Have you felt judged, or otherwise not adequate, in your childhood too? For example, have you tried to please your mother, help her the best you can, but she was often frustrated and unhappy about something (not necessarily about you, but about life)?

I am asking because that’s usually how codependency develops: if we are our parent’s helper and they rely on us sometimes even for emotional support. So we become “parentified”, i.e. a little bit like parents to them, which is role reversal. Our needs don’t get met, because we try to meet our parent’s needs. Anyway, I am not claiming anything since I don’t know much about your childhood. Just saying what can be the cause of codependent behavior once we grow up.

Any tips of healing my inner child? It’s been a week now and I’m honestly feeling okay, I’m just digging up all the old things that I kept my mouth shut about. And there is a lot of things I regret not speaking up about but as discussed it wouldn’t have changed anything if I told her.

That’s good that you looking back and revisiting your relationship, and noticing how and when you were poorly treated. Being aware of how we were mistreated is a key step in preventing abuse in the future.

As for the inner child, well, for now I’d suggest to look within. Bring your focus on your own needs. Start first self-care first: basic physiological needs, lots of sleep and rest, healthy food and exercise. When we’re codependent, we neglect our own needs and focus totally on the other person. So now, bring that focus back on yourself. You have the right to care for yourself and be a little “selfish” about it.

Also, when you start feeling lonely and perhaps start daydreaming about her again, have someone to reach out to to talk to and hang out with. Don’t stay alone with your sadness and longing. You can always post here if you start feeling down.

Also, I recommend writing down on a piece of paper all of the abusive stuff she did and how you felt as a result. For example, walking on eggshells, being accused of not having her as your No1 priority, not being allowed to have needs of your own, being like on remote control, feeling like a punching bag, becoming a shell, etc etc. If you want, I can help you create that list based on what you’ve shared here.

But basically, to have a list of “grievances” ready for those challenges moments when you start forgetting how bad it was and fantasizing of getting back together.

So I think at this point what is important is to have a set of precautions in place not to fall into limerence and fantasizing. Surround yourself with supportive people. Go to therapy. Take care of yourself and your basic needs.

And keep posting here as well, for as long as you need…