Hi Adam,

I think if she reached out anytime soon I would have a discussion with her about why we can’t.

Good! She might actually reach out, since so far you always wanted her back. But it’s great if you feel strong enough to tell her no now.

What do you think if she reaches out in the distant future? That is a worry of mine. I feel as I would still have some attachment years from now.

Hm… I wouldn’t worry about that right now. You don’t know what the future holds. I think the most important at this point is for you to learn your lessons from this experience: to be less vulnerable to emotional abuse and more able to recognize it if it starts happening in a potential new relationship.

I hope you can move on from this and find yourself again. And be less prone to being manipulated and silenced like this. If you focus on that, you’ll grow as a person, and you’ll know what to do if she ever reaches out. As a general advice, if she isn’t in therapy (or stable mentally) and doesn’t have a job, she hasn’t move forward with her healing. And she would be in the same place, or worse, as now.

But don’t linger on that possibility too much, because that’s again fantasizing about some future situation, where things might be better and where you might rekindle your relationship. Which is a part of that same daydreaming and clinging – which you need to heal!

I never even had a thought of emotional abuse in my life until the week before the break up. I think I was experiencing it more and more as time went on. I felt like at the start when she was working and on her correct medication that the relationship was a lot better

It’s quite possible that she was feeling better when she was on medication. But then something prompted her to try to wean off on her own, without going to therapy, which was a very unhealthy move. And it took a toll…

But come to think of it we had break ups every 2 months. Either way we were splitting up but maybe it wasn’t until later when I actually experienced the manipulation etc.

Or perhaps you became more sensitive to it, more able to recognize it? If I remember well, after the last breakup you didn’t feel like you were walking on egg shells around her. But now, in this last period, it became quite obvious to you. So perhaps you were deluding yourself and had a blind spot, which prevented you from noticing certain things? And at the same time, she probably got more and more demanding, and you more and more “obeying”, not to upset her.

I know how to treat myself right and focus on myself it will come to me again soon enough. I have support for when I’m lonely and daydreaming. I am obviously upset but overall I’m coping. Still a bit of a shock to the system in saying that even after so many times.

I am glad you have support, both of your friends and family, and that you know how to treat yourself well. Yes, you are doing the right steps! You can’t just expect to heal over night, it will take time. So be patient with yourself, but whatever you do, don’t allow to go too deep into daydreaming and beautifying the times when you were together.

I will start writing some stuff down myself but any help would be greatly appreciated!

Here it is, the list of “grievances” that you expressed about her. I did minimal edits, to make it as succinct as possible:

1. Really did feel like it was all about her. A remote control car was a perfect analogy. She really did control everything including how I felt.
2. I felt as if I couldn’t be myself and do what I want to do. She needed a caregiver 247 and when I wasn’t there for her it was again signs of me not loving her enough and her not getting what she was wanting.
3. I feel quite attacked. My side was never considered and she would selfishly use me as a punching bag for her irrational behavior.
4. I felt I was trapped and walking on egg shells, any word or action could set her off and cause me anxiety about what’s around the corner.
5. It wasn’t a relationship that I wanted but I did tell myself and I push past this and deal with all the bad despite how it made me feel.
6. The whole situation sucks. I’ve just woken up to what was happening and I also got over trying to fill a bottomless pit with my love.
7. I lost myself in the process.
8. I started seeing the signs of emotional abuse last week. This was definitely what I was experience as well as manipulation.
9. I feel violated and taken advantage of.
10. I was constantly told I wasn’t listening to her or understanding her needs. Yet I understood fully, however she didn’t understand mine.
11. She would accuse me of not having my priorities right, expecting that she should be number 1 before anything else.
12. I felt so trapped and alone the day before she left me. It’s because I was in the end.
13. I was suffering in silence because of her mental instability.
14. I felt as I couldn’t speak in fear of upsetting her or just being straight up rejected.
15. I was relying on her for happiness in a lot of cases but I slowly started to feel alone towards the end.
16. I lost myself trying to help her.
17. I couldn’t constantly be responsible for how she was feeling. I never made her responsible for my feelings.
18. It’s a shock to the system realizing I was being abused and manipulated a lot of the time.
19. I felt the less I’d upset her the more I would be anxious on walking on egg shells. But when I spoke up I felt I was shut down and told I wasn’t listening to her.
20. She took everything I said about her as an attack. All my comments about her getting work, her attitude etc were always taken personally and I was told not to bring it up. She use to say things along the lines of ‘I shouldn’t feel bad for feeling a certain way‘ , yet when I would say something similar it was unfair in her eyes. It was always a double standard.
21. She didn’t want to change. She wanted to relationship to work around her and accommodate to her needs and wants.
22. I am going to move on because that’s not what I want from a partner in the end. A relationship shouldn’t be that difficult. It was super toxic.
23. She definitely used the break ups as a way to control me, whether she knew it or not. She knew I was readily available when she wanted.
24. There was so many things, mostly innocent that triggered her. Whenever there was a disagreement her first reaction was to leave and it almost seemed like a power move to keep me on my toes.
25. No time was any different, it honestly just got worse and spiraled out of control. All the false promises, still no work, still left, still unstable and the list goes on. Those few things should’ve been enough for me to leave.
26. Leaving would’ve been a healthy reaction in the first place. It was all just a fantasy and in reality she was not good for me.
27. I was trapped and got brought down by her disgusting moods.
28. She blamed me for a lot. Made me feel worthless and like I was doing something wrong but it was her just taking anger out on me.
29. She wanted me to know that I can’t pick and choose when I see her. I stopped asking for my own time after that.

I hope it will help you stay on track!

As for the childhood stuff, I am glad you had a good childhood and no bad memories. I don’t know why you would be susceptible like that, but there also could be external factors for our issues. It doesn’t necessarily have to do with our parents. You did mention once that you suffer from occasional anxiety, so perhaps there is something there to look at.

Anyway, I wish you slow but steady progress and healing with his. Take care of yourself, be gentle on yourself. Post anytime!