Hi Adam,

you’re welcome!

I almost feel like I’m chasing a high and I would go through those lows just for that high again.

Yes, she had an effect on you like a drug – caused you to feel high at times, but was destructive for you on the long run. Staying with her was ruining your life.

You spoke about being down and daydreaming earlier, I spoke to my psych about a similar thing. I almost enjoy that feeling a bit as it is real pain and it not something I always experience. It’s like I force my mind to really feel the emotions and dig deep to bring it all up at times like this

Okay, so are you saying that without her, you would feel flat, you wouldn’t really feel all that much? And so being on a roller-coaster with her, with emotional ups and downs, is still better for you than feeling dull? Being with her allows you to feel deeply?

I was thinking today how the relationship changed overtime and how it got worse after each break up. It’s like I was punished for being comfortable around her and towards the end I wasn’t comfortable but I still didn’t want to loose her at any time during our relationship.

You were punished for being honest with her, for telling her what you think she should change. She didn’t want to be told what she is doing wrong, or how she is hurting you. You were punished for that honesty, for speaking your mind.

People don’t know what they have until they loose it, I think is the quote. I feel like I knew what I had and that I could loose it very easily.

Well, what you had was a girl with untreated mental health issues. She stopped taking medicine and thought she could manage on her own, but she couldn’t. It resulted in those “horrible moods”, as you called it.

As for knowing you could lose her – well yes, you knew you could lose her easily because she was breaking up with you frequently. She used that to control you.

So you had a girl with untreated mental health issues, who basically blamed you for being upset about her moods, and wanted you to stay silent. And she managed.

That’s the reality of your relationship, Adam. If I may be honest with you: you didn’t have much, and you didn’t want to lose the little that you had.

Considering what some of my friends have said do you think it will come to a point where I am just holding onto nothing and talking about it too much?

Well, you do see it in a distorted way, through rose-colored glasses. You believe you had a lot, whereas in reality, you didn’t. You didn’t lose much either, because if you read the above list, there was a lot of abuse in your relationship. You were getting only bread crumbs. But you were sticking to fantasy of how it might be some day, when she is healed.

She wanted to enjoy life without being medicated as she felt it would disconnect her a bit, I think that was her main reason so I was supportive of that. I understood.

But was she enjoying life? As far as I understood, she was as miserable as ever, frequently getting into those moods, accusing you of not being supportive enough. That’s not a good life, but suffering, both for her and for you.

Everyone is telling me she will grow and mature then come to notice how committed and caring you really were. I think this in itself gives me hope and causes wishful thinking.

I think people try to console you and so they say whatever they think might make you feel better. But telling you that she will grow and mature and you then can be happy together is feeding into your fantasy. It’s not helpful at all.

First, it’s not true because we don’t know if she will grow and mature – she might spend many years trying to “heal herself” but not getting anywhere. You don’t want to keep fantasizing about a day when she will finally get better. You don’t want to make your happiness dependent on her – because that’s what you have been doing all this time, and this is the result. You don’t want to put your life on pause, waiting for her to get better.

I told her myself I would do it all over again.

And that’s a problem. That you would be willing to do it again, knowing how hurt you were this time round.

Don’t get me wrong – I do understand you, Adam. I know how emotional wounds can make us blind and can make us work against our best interests. I know how bad we may want something that is bad for us, believing it will make us happy.

But I think you’d need to work on the reasons of this attachment, this sticking to fantasy, rather than accepting reality. You said you felt alive while on an emotional roller coaster with her, so perhaps that’s something to look into? Perhaps sometimes you feel numb and out of touch with your feelings, and being with her allowed you to feel fully?