I feel as though I am taking steps in the right direction most of the time. I am thinking about it a lot still but it’s not all fantasizing. I think I am finding it difficult with attachment because as an individual she definitely had certain things I liked in terms of a partner. But the mental instability and unresolved trauma was obviously the parts I didn’t like but couldn’t take away.

The other things making it difficult is knowing I actually did try everything. I changed a lot, I wrote letter, poems, supported her, did things she liked, reasoned with her and put lots of effort in. I am also proud of this just knowing how much I can do for someone is a good feeling. It’s also nice knowing that’s how I am as a person.

Lastly it just feels bad realizing that she didn’t love me the same way I did to her. But that’s okay because I know I will receive the same love one day.

I have been writing down a lot of the bad things and it should’ve been such a red flag as to how fragile and insecure she was. I remember one time I picked a movie that was about child abuse in a church. She freaked out straight away and asked me if that’s what I’m into and why I would be interested in a movie like that. So she was basically accusing me of being a pedophile or atleast had thoughts of it because I chose a movie based on the topic. I figured it was all just related to her trauma. But looking back now I see how sensitive she was.

Anyway I just thought I would post again to get some stuff off my chest. I’m writing down goals in my notes and I have a good list so far!