Hi Adam,

Yes doing it alone didn’t help her I think. It put more pressure on me as well to always be there. She didn’t have many friends, her best friend ghosted her a lot and ditched plans. I think this again put more weight on me as I was expected to be there for her when a friend wasn’t despite what’s happening in my life.

I see… so you were the only reliable person in her life, and she relied on you for everything. Not just to regulate her moods but also to spend time with her, whenever she was idling or her friend ghosted her or cancelled their plans.

It was a terrible experience but it was also one where I learned valuable lessons. But I can’t actually think of these lessons I learned right now. Could you help me with writing some of these down? I guess one lesson I learned is I think to be firm, honest and stand my ground regardless of how the other person is feeling or being scared of triggering them.

Yes, I think that’s one lesson you’ve learned: to respect your own needs and not to overwrite them just because someone is expecting it from you or guilt tripping you about it.  So, respect your own needs and boundaries.

Second, beware if the person is possessive and expects that everything in your life revolves around them. This also means that you can’t have hobbies and interests of your own, you can’t do what you enjoy, unless you get permission from the other person. So if you can’t maintain a degree of freedom – that’s a warning sign.

Third and perhaps the most important lesson is not to get involved with someone whom you can’t accept as they are, e.g. with someone who is suffering from depression, anxiety, or addiction, which you expect they will heal from, but aren’t there yet. Don’t get involved with someone with major trauma, whom you then try to “rescue” and “help heal”. If you can’t accept your partner as they are and feel they should heal first in order to function normally – don’t get involved with them.

Fourth, if the person is blaming you and doesn’t want to take responsibility for their own moods, behaviors and life situation – that’s toxic. Don’t allow blame and guilt tripping. Be open to feedback though and willing to correct your own mistakes, but if the only thing you get is blame, that’s not healthy.

Fifth, if the person is telling you one thing but doing the opposite, beware of that. If they give you promises, but with their actions they don’t honor those promises, that’s a warning sign too.

These five lessons is what comes to mind so far. What do you think? Is that something you think you’ve learned?

She definitely did seem more laid back in the beginning. Almost like she was expecting more and more as time went on.

You actually said she was smoking pot when you two met, so perhaps that’s one of the reasons she seemed more laid back? But then she stopped smoking, pretty quickly you said, possibly because she had you as her “mood regulator”? And then her traumatized self began to come out more and more, with more and more demands, frequent breakups, trying to control you etc.

I remember her asking about moving in with me I said not at first but she would still be over a lot, about 6 days. She got very upset. However when I moved out she didn’t want to spend more time together it seemed. She would go home and start arguments about how we don’t spend quality time and other things. However I was always open to doing different things which we did early on. As time went on it got stale and I don’t think she was enjoying life in general so she didn’t want to do anything it seemed like at times.

I am not sure I understood this right: are you saying she got upset when you didn’t let her move in with you? Although you were spending a lot of time together, 6 days in a week. So whenever she would go home, she was complaining that you’re not spending quality time together, and she refused to go to trips together like you did in the beginning. If this is what was happening, it seems she was punishing you for not letting her move in, and so she refused to do stuff together. Instead, she was complaining a lot and guilt tripping you most of the time.

It could also be that her quitting her medication played a role too, and so she became more and more agitated and unable to control her moods. And she mostly took it out on you – so you became her punching bag, as you said.

She had a lot of qualities I admired. She was very Loving at times, spontaneous, had interesting hobbies. Just to name a few. I almost liked how she had highs and lows to a certain degree. I feel when I am my normal best self I am just in the middle ground. Just balanced. I was very comfortable around her at times.

I guess she actually fun and she got me out doing different things. We went camping a lot which I hadn’t done since I was a kid. She was very crafty and made necklaces, collected shells which we would do together. She was a bit childish which I liked and I think she brought out my inner child. Maybe that’s what I liked about her and what I’m attached too.

Yes, this seems like a theme: you admiring her playfulness, spontaneity, childlike nature and passion for things. You told me you don’t know what your passions are… So it could be that you suppressed some of your inner child, and you mostly feel “balanced”. But perhaps this “balanced” is also a bit dull – like not really passionate or excited about anything?

You said you are focused on your job and house, i.e. that you’re working hard, which enabled you to buy a house, right? That’s very admirable and a totally valid goal to pursue. However, maybe in striving for success and being a successful adult, perhaps you forgot to play and enjoy things along the way? Maybe you somewhat suppressed your playful, spontaneous and passionate inner child?

Anyway, this is just an idea…. Let me know if it resonates?