Hey Tee

Yes I would’ve been one of the main people in her life. She only had a couple friends and she compared our relationships at times. I remember her bringing up how they would spend all this time together yet the situations were different as they were actually living and had a more stable relationship, work etc.

Whenever plans fell through or a friend ditched her it was up to me to be there. After She saw friends I was to be there as well.

So respect my needs and boundaries. Maintain a degree of freedom. Don’t try rescue. Don’t allow blaming and guilt tripping. Be warned by double standards. Is that a decent summary of the lessons?

I’m not sure of this third lesson. I feel like I did accept her for who she was. I understood her trauma, mental issues and needs to the best of my ability. It was almost as though she didn’t accept me. Do you mean don’t get into a relationship with someone who isn’t healed fully. I’m not sure if she was even trying to actually heal, I think she wanted too but was actually bottling it all up.

I don’t know if I’ve actually learned these lessons yet and I’m worried I may not. Last time we split up she got very emotional 3 weeks later when she realized I was still caring. I am so tempted to show her that I still am but I think it’s just a lost cause… I don’t know why I still do and why I still would want this person even after everything we have spoken about I still feel a strong connection.

I think she did seem a bit more content and laid back. I feel like smoking does make us a lot more satisfied despite what’s going on. I was definitely a mood regulator and expected to bring her up when she was down. It was what a partner is meant to do. She would tell me sometimes things  like “your meant to bring me up not push me down”.

Right as I moved out she told her parents she was going to move out with me but we hadn’t even spoken about it. I told her look at first I would like time to settle in but she will be over majority of the time and staying with me just not actually living there. As she didn’t have work and I wanted to settle in.
So when I did move out and had a free house it was like nothing changed and she wasn’t actually there any more then she was when I was at home. Arguably she started spending more time at home. She had lots of trouble sleeping and she hated sleeping at my place because she would be up until early in the morning then sleep in. Where as I would fall asleep straight away and leave for work early.
Im not sure of the point I’m trying to make it was more just a realization that she may have been the one that couldn’t have actually spent all her time with me.

I think quitting her medication played a huge role. In saying that she left me many times before she started tapering off her anti depressant medication. It just felt as though it got more chaotic and colder whenever we split up once she started reducing.

I admire those things a lot and do feel like sometimes I am not spontaneous in particular. It is a little bit dull I don’t get really excited about much at all, especially right now. I was happy before I met her. Working, seeing friends, playing video games and keeping healthy and fit. Simple but balanced. I thought it was time for a partner and I feel like I’m ready. I thought she was the one but I was fooled.

It does resonate. I think I look for childishness and spontaneity in a partner as it it something I feel I lack when I’m single and alone.