Hi Adam,

I have thought about some of what I said today. I honestly did do a lot of fun stuff as a child and at times that kid does come out. I remember when we went looking for shells together and I was like a little kid then, however she did bring that out at the time.

I am a bit of a goof I realised as well, especially in public. I am not afraid of making a fool out myself and looking stupid, I think all my partners have enjoyed this about me and seen I have a playful side. However I do still have that calm and balanced side.

This seems like you’re pretty balanced. You have a playful, even goofy side, and you’re not afraid to show it. Which means you’re not too uptight. But you also have a responsible, planning adult side, which is also super important in life. So it doesn’t seem to me you’re missing playfulness or spontaneity.

I have always been a bit pedantic as well as a planner. I think I do relax and enjoy it but I also keep in the back of my mind that there is always more to achieve, however I am easily pleased and satisfied. I would say I think of the next goal but I don’t calculate how to get there straight away.

Again, this seems pretty balanced to me. It’s not a problem to be pedantic and planner, as long as you can also relax and enjoy from time to time. It’s not like you’re never pleased with your achievements and are pushing yourself from more, from the place of never being good enough.

I am quite sarcastic with my partners and just in general. To me it’s a way of being playful. I tend to innocently tease a bit as well, which has caused my partners needing reassurance at times because of their insecurities. Like that time I brought up how she rolls over and turns away from me in bed, I teased her slightly saying I don’t care but I think it’s cute. However it got taken the wrong way.

Can you give me an example of a sarcastic comment you made? Because innocently teasing and sarcastic is not the same thing. When innocently teasing, we don’t have a bad intention, we don’t want to hurt the person. It’s like we love and accept them, but we might notice a feature of theirs where they are lacking, and we playfully tease them about it. Like when you told her she’s not good with reading directions, to which she got offended. I think that was innocent teasing and no bad intention on your part.

In the situation when she rolled over in bed, perhaps she was extra sensitive because sex triggered her trauma. So your innocent (perhaps a little careless) remark did hurt her. But again, you didn’t say it with bad intention, did you? You just remarked something to which she was super sensitive.

Being told by your partner that you ‘treat them like sh*t’ is heartbreaking. I was almost numb to some of the stuff she said. I remember one time she told me she deserves to be with someone who actually wants her. This was all because I turned a light off before we made out. All these things add up and upsets me how I was mistreated and misunderstood. No matter what I did it was outweighed by the ‘little things’.

Oh I am really sorry. You didn’t mean anything bad by turning off the light, but she attacked you so strongly, accusing you unfairly. That must have been tough. It’s one more proof of how abused you were in that relationship, and that it’s a great thing you broke up.

Similar to my father my mother said, not too excited but not unsatisfied. My Mum compares me a lot to my Dad.

Ever since I was a child I have been a huge day dreamer, excessive at times. I noticed my Father had similar mannerisms to my own when I day dream, maybe he does too. I have never spoken to him about it

What do you notice on your father, which reminds you of yourself? What kind of mannerisms?

“Not too excited but not unsatisfied” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can be someone who has a peaceful nature and is more self-contained. Do you think that you showing emotions as a child (say huge excitement about something) wasn’t greeted well by your father? Or maybe you wanted to emulate him, and so you tried to be calm and “poised” like him?

I didn’t feel alone anymore than a normal kid would I think. I just had desires for a partner from an early age, ever since my first crush. Gaming is like my down time and relaxation. It’s also a social thing for me now as I’ve gotten older as most my friends also game. So during the relationship I obviously lost that a bit which I was fine with. But it was almost as if when things got hectic, I just wanted to game. Usually this meant alone.

I understand… it’s a way for you to unwind and sometimes self-soothe. But it’s not an addiction. It’s more that when things got hectic in your relationship, and I guess she was criticizing you and putting unreasonable demands on you, you just wanted to escape that and spend some time with yourself, doing what you like: gaming.

The thought of one person for the rest of my life honestly scared me a bit at first until I met this girl.

Ever since I was young I’ve longed for a real partner.

Okay, that’s interesting. On one hand, you’ve been longing for a loving partner since you were young. On the other, you were also scared about it. So I guess there was still something that caused you to both long and fear being in a loving relationship? Do you know what that might be?

My friend told me to look at my ex in comparison to my Mother saying, “would she ever end up being the woman your mother is?”. And he’s right she wouldn’t be I don’t think. I’m saying this because I was trying to think of ‘my type’ and I struggle with this, along with what I actually liked about all my exes. I feel like my type is someone like my Mother, someone who is caring, respectful, rational, loving, responsible and hard working just to name a few things.

That’s nice that you think of your mother so highly.

In saying all of this I do get very attached to almost anyone who I think is attractive and gives me attention. I think of compatibility early on and get high hopes for the future.

Yeah, so it might mean that you didn’t receive enough attention in your childhood, or not the kind of attention you wanted? Perhaps your mother was kind and loving, but perhaps she was comparing you to your father a lot and you felt unseen? I am just throwing ideas here, since I really have no clue what happened. Please don’t get offended if I suggest some outlandish idea – I am trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together and help you, if I can.