Hi Adam,

There was never any resentment or hate coming from my sarcasm.

That’s what’s important. You really were just playful and your remarks innocent. But she took it the wrong way.

And I wouldn’t even call it sarcasm, because sarcasm is a form of passive aggression, where we resent something or someone but don’t want to say it openly, so we resort to sarcastic remarks. I think there is always resentment and anger in sarcasm. Yours was more like humor, I’d say. Being funny, making funny comments and sometimes innocently teasing her, but with no bad intention.

I have dark humour as well. I learnt to hold this back early on because of her trauma.

Good, so you were thoughtful enough to curb some of your dark humor. That shows you really didn’t mean to hurt her, but did your best to treat her with empathy and sensitivity.

She also agreed that I am playful however my ex could’ve brought that side out a bit more. I spoke about that balanced feeling where I am not too excited but not unsatisfied. Like you were saying I may have enjoyed the roller coaster of highs and lows because of this.

Well, it seems your ex tolerated some forms of your playfulness, like collecting shells, but didn’t always tolerate your humor, specially if you were making funny remarks about her. So in some ways, she was also limiting your playfulness, don’t you think?

I think it’s easy to notice when my father is “off with the fairies” at times and I think I am also the same. I think my ex saying ‘I didn’t even give her eye contact’ at times was her noticing I’m daydreaming a bit. Little smiles and hand movements is what I also noticed at times that are similar between me and my dad. I noticed as I got older when I’d say dream I would smirk during it at times and I would see this in him too.

Daydreaming in itself is normal, we all lose ourselves in thoughts from time to time and our gaze gets a bit glassy 🙂 But it’s not the same as maladaptive daydreaming, which is a disorder, where the person loses themselves in daydreaming to the point of losing touch with reality and not being able to perform normal daily tasks. It’s a form of dissociation and is usually caused by trauma or neglect.

Would you say your daydreaming was/is dysfunctional, or it’s more like losing yourself in thoughts and dreams about the future, from time to time?

I am an anxious person but I have always dealt with it. I do get a lot of anxiety in relationships I think because of all the egg shells of walked on during them. Partners have definitely made me question my sanity and if it is really me who’s the problem, which has added to my anxiety.

Right. So your anxiety is mostly about relationships, not about other parts of your life? You were with partners who accused  you of being uncaring and/or neglectful. And in the past, when you were smoking weed, you might have indeed been like that.

It’s interesting because this is perhaps the duality you were feeling in the past: on one hand longing for a partner, and on the other fearing the relationship. So perhaps when you were in relationships in the past, this fear popped up (fear of not being good enough?), and so you self-medicated with weed? And then it became a self-fulfilling prophecy because clearly, if you’re smoking, you cannot be a caring and fully present partner.

Perhaps in this relationship you dropped your fear of being in the relationship, and you took a plunge with all that you had. You did your best. You were a caring and a fully present partner. But she was not the right girl…

Perhaps the lesson is that even if we do our best, we can’t make the other person to change. But it doesn’t mean we did anything wrong.

I think it is significant in someway, maybe I am drawn to girls who have unresolved issues and feel like I can be a confidante or a savior. I’m not too sure. I only really felt like this with my ex though not my other partners.

Right, with your previous exes you said you were neglectful/avoidant (you smoked weed), whereas with this one, you thought she was worth quitting. But it’s interesting that all of them have anxiety and/or are on medications.

So perhaps you are attracted to girls who are a bit insecure and fragile, and you feel you can be their protector? Or maybe with such girls, you believe they won’t judge you because you have “less issues” than them. But then exactly the opposite occurs: they end up judging you a lot? This is again just an idea that I am throwing out, please disregard if it doesn’t apply.

I told her about my worries for the next few weeks and months, she said if she reaches out you will have to be firm and break the cycle of abuse. She needs real treatment and help which would take a lot of therapy etc. 18 months she said atleast. But she said don’t think about the future and if she does ever approach you work, therapy are a must and who knows maybe there’s an option to reconnect but to not even think of that possibility. Take it as it comes.

Really great advice! I also think it would be very harmful to be in touch with her in any way. Because as your therapist said, you need to break the cycle of abuse. And if you keep in touch, you would sooner or later end up being abused again. Because nothing changed on her side. So yes, you need to stay away from her by all means.

My psych actually explained the cycle of abuse to me and how it works. You have a honey moon stage, then something’s happens, then apologies follow and you make up and end up in the honeymoon stage for something to happen again leading to more apologies. She asked me if that seemed familiar and it really was. Every couple months we were splitting and then going through this cycle. With my past ex it made me realise that the relationship was a lot healthier as we went a whole 9 months and then split but never got back together. My psych also spoke about trauma bonding and made it clear that it wasn’t my trauma that was causing it by rather hers.

It’s also great that your therapist explained how the cycle of abuse works, and about trauma bonding. Yeah, you were hooked to those good times (and her promises), and that’s why it was hard to let go, even if the relationship became more and more toxic, and you less and less of yourself. And yes, it was clearly her trauma causing all of that. Your weakness was in staying and hoping things would change.

I am not sure if this is significant but I forgot to add there were a few times my ex told I treat her like her Dad. However I was completely different to her father. She also said her ex was similar to her father but agreed with me that I wasn’t in a lot of ways very early on in the relationship. Not sure why that changed and she said I treat her like that at times.

Well, you did behave like a parental figure at times, being both her protector and also trying to get her to put her life in order. So perhaps she saw that as patronizing. But if she saw her ex as a father figure too, it might be that she was projecting, or that she was actually attracted to guys who would protect her and shelter her from everything, so she would feel “safe” (which is impossible unless she actually heals the trauma).

I was thinking about messaging her ex just to see what his experience was. Do you think that is a wise idea or I should avoid opening that can of worms?

No, I don’t think it’s a good idea. You don’t know if he would be open to that, and it’s a bit like licking the wounds together – I don’t know if you want to bond with her ex in that way. Specially if you don’t even know the guy.

If you start talking to her exes about her, it would be like you’re still a bit obsessed about her, so it’s not really helping you to move on.

So my advice is no, don’t talk to him. Process everything you have in therapy or here if it helps you, but don’t open that can of worms (very good analogy, btw!)

I just deleted our messages in my phone as I caught myself looking through old messages. She definitely seemed a lot happier and grateful early on. Messaging me during the days and mornings at work compared to blunt and short conversations later on.

Great decision to delete her old messages! The less you get stuck on those mementos of the past, the easier it will be to move on.