Dear Stacy:

You are welcome! “I can see that I have him placed way above me in my head…  But, it still feels like a huge loss as well because I’ve never been so passionate about someone and have that same passion reciprocated for me”-

– I understand and I agree, no doubt at all, that indeed it feels to you  like a huge loss. What I am saying is that objectively, it is not a loss: you lived in  a dysfunctional home before you met him, while you dated him, and after the breakup. You worked in the same underpaying jobs before, during and after the relationship; car braking down before, during and after, etc.

If because of him being in your life, your objective circumstances changed for the better (let’s say you moved in with him to a place and an area that you couldn’t afford alone, and that made it possible for you to get adequate sleep at nights, and find a better-paying job, etc.), and then, because of the breakup, your objective circumstances deteriorated (you had to move back home with your family, couldn’t get enough sleep, lost the better paying job, etc.), then the breakup would have been a huge loss objectively.

“There were two instances early on into our relationship about possible hurdles for us and he genuinely was worried about me dumping him over them. We talked them out and I know he cared a lot, I saw it and felt it through his actions“- what actions?

“So you think he never wanted long-term commitment with anyone anyway, at least not for now?“- you shared that (1) You met him when he was 30-years-old, and that (in 12 years of being an adult/ about 15 years of dating-age), he never had a relationship, let alone a long-term committed relationship (“He has never had a real relationship… all his others were failed situationships and hookups“). This is not promising when you think about it.

(2) The 1-year only relationship with him was long-distance, you didn’t meet often, you weren’t satisfied with the frequency of the communication in between meetings.. again, not promising.

(3) All through the relationship, he lived with his parents because he couldn’t afford a place of his own (“we are both stuck living back home with family in bad financial positions“), and he spent a lot of time- not looking for a better-paying job- but on gaming and liking photos online.. again, not promising.

“As you’ve said, maybe he thought he wanted something but his actions couldn’t match his words when truly tested over time. I have to accept that he’s not doing anything about it now”-  he said wonderful-sounding things while living the same kind of life- objectively- that he lived before he met you. And those circumstances did not involve you except for approximately 5 days per month, 60 days total (“we only were able to meet about 1-2 (sometimes 3) times per month and always spent about 2 days together each time“).

“I cried tonight because I saw a video of a girl talking about how when you mourn the loss of a relationship…  you are mourning YOURSELF and who you were before it ended, and how you will never get that version of yourself back again”- good: don’t get any version of yourself back. Instead, go back to being the true, authentic person you were in the very beginning of your life.

“To feel like I had ANY part in messing up what was meant for me/us just really is hard to shake off”- meant by whom?

“I really, really hope you are right when you say that my issues alone weren’t enough for him to tip the boat and leave“- as I see it, there was no boat: he was living on his island, with his family of origin; you were living on another island with your family-of-origin, and the two of you met of a ferry 2-3 times per month for a year.

His past (no relationship experience at all at 30-years-old), his life-situation (inadequately paying job- if he had a job at all, I don’t remember now, and living with his parents) and personality/ the way he spent his time (gaming, lots of time online) were not and are not promising at all when it comes to a long-term committed relationship that would be of real, objective benefit to any romantic partner in great need for objectively better life circumstances (unless his parents were to financially support their son and his partner), and these pre-existed him ever meeting you and have NOTHING to do with you.

I am not saying that you should date a man for his or his parents’ money. I am saying that as you consider a romantic relationship, improving your objective life circumstances- and being honest and upfront about it- should be a necessary part of your consideration: the man doesn’t have to be rich; paying half the rent in a place where you can sleep t night.. would be a great improvement.

Back to becoming the true and authentic person that you were born to be: free from unnecessary constraints, shame, guilt.. that is something to look forward to, isn’t it?

anita