Dear Helcat,

“I think that as time went on and we worked on things, I was more able to differentiate between the past and the present. I ended up feeling less and less the need for him to apologize to help soothe my anxiety because it became very clear to me that it was less to do with him and his behaviour and more to do with my past.”

This is very relatable for me. I do feel bad though that it took me a while to become clear to me, I feel I caused alot of arguments because I would blame him. I moved out only 3 weeks ago and I already feel like I can see the cycle so much clearer, and like you said I have less a need for an apology. I am glad you mentioned this because it reminds me I am growing a lot right now and explains my very real mental exhaustion.

“Regarding passive aggressive jokes, would be you like to share an example?”

When I lived with my partner and my triggers were being pushed at a faster rate than I could heal, I was exhausted all the time. It lead me to calling out of work a lot, I would spend my actual time off with my partner, then I would call out when he wasn’t home so I could have some alone time. I was too exhausted to go into a customer service job most days, my paycheck decreased significantly and eventually I was fired, but it was almost like I wanted to be cause I was only relieved. My partner then began to pay the rent fully and I was home painting, I had unemployment so I just bought groceries and contributed where I could, He said that it was fine over and over but I don’t think he knew how it truly made him feel. We were on the couch one night, a couple weeks before I moved out and he was online trying to buy a trailor for his work supplies, but couldn’t afford it and joked “Can you help me buy a trailor?” The night before he literally saw my bank account in the negatives, so for me this was a very insensitive thing to “joke” about, and it did not seem like a joke he said it with a very straight face but when I asked him about it the next morning I felt completely gaslit when he said “what? you thought that was serious? of course not baby! it was just a joke”… did not sit right with me.

“I wonder, did your father suffer from depression at all?”

Yes I believe so. He worked mon-fri 8am-5pm, hit traffic on the way home which frustrated him, I think he felt a lot of pressure, I feel for him. He was a Junior in college with a baseball career ahead of him, but then they had me, two years later my brother, 2 years one sister then another. To me I think it was SO irresponsible, but what’s done is done now your baseball career has no time to accumulate, you have to start working immediately, his while life was flipped and he was numb. He told me once recently that he remembers not being present when he would play with us when he got home, he said “you guys didn’t notice but…” and I thought…Oh yes we did. He just never seemed very happy. the last couple years of their marriage I was 13-15 and he would stay downstairs at night and watch tv with headphones on a laptop while my mom went up to bed to probably text cheat with some guy. So sad, their dynamic breaks my heart and is a relationship I fear to fall into.

“I’m glad to hear that your relationship with your father has since improved. Sometimes I find that can create a disconnect or confusion about how was see them. At other times, having trauma invalidated by our abusers can create a sense of confusion and denial about our experiences in ourselves. Do you think you experienced any of this at all?”

Yes. When I was 17 and still very naive in articulating my feelings or even recognizing them I tried to express to him that he came across as two people to me. One that was cold, I wanted to rebel against and didn’t care if I hurt him by lying about my wherabouts. Then there was another version of him that was kind, sweet and funny, and when I met that version i felt awful for what I had done to the other version of him. I would doubt that he had any faults, but then the other version would surely return and it was quite confusing, I saw the switch so many times thought that now I am able to stay level minded when he is one or the other, thinking “this is not all of him right now.” I deny my own trauma even now, I don’t believe it was as bad as I think it was…I see people growing in way worse situations then me and think I was blessed, but then I self destruct in my relationship and have crippling anxiety and start to believe I did actually go through something difficult then to reflect this.

“And sometimes the negative thoughts during a trigger are very strong. There are times when this “leaks” and can be harmful to your partner.”

This is validating, thank you. I am getting better, but sometimes I see those intense negative thoughts and they make me feel disconnected to him because I cannot share them. Because now I know they are only temporary, and like you said I do not wish to ever hurt him.

“Have you ever had a discussion about him invalidating your trauma and how that makes you feel?”

Yes, but only recently and he took it very well and I felt he saw what I was saying. some triggers he understands more than others.

“Since I’ve come to understand the large impact my PTSD has on communication during disagreements in the relationship. It’s really helped me to accept him and forgive his very human mistakes when they occur and to let go of that resentment.”

Thank you for sharing about your relationship, it helps me to not feel alone and I appreciate it so much. I found that when I started to realize I was acting out of pain, I was able to see others were and this is actually what mended my relationship with one of my sisters, and I was so thankful that I was introduced to the person behind the pain once we broke that barrier. I wish for my partner to come to this realization because I do think it would help things go smoother, but I also don’t want my triggers to be comforted so maybe it is a good thing he doesn’t know how to talk to people with ptsd yet…just a thought, what do you think?

That is so interesting that you lived through having another roommate with your partner as well! I don’t know anyone else who relates to that. When we are children and mentally block things out because they are too much for us to even process, I know that feeling well because it happened late enough in life to where I would literally block out the year before and wonder why my memory was so bad. I lived with them from September 2022-September 2023, so recent, yet I feel a similar sensation of my mind almost trying to erase it emotionally. This feeling of disconnect with it, I can remember it but it feels way farther away than it actually was as if it is fading. I don’t think I was aware of how hard it actually was for me, which lead me to feel disappointed in myself when I would be in pain/anxious/depressed. I don’t fully understand how my partner and I got through it and are still happy together.

Thank you Helcat, for your dedication to responding to my posts, they are helping me immensely in guiding my healing.

Sending love and gentle waves of peace,

Seaturtle