Dear Stacy:

“I was so sure about how serious he was about me…. It would be nice to know if he ever saw a future with me or not… I still just stare off into space daily trying to understand and accept that this person didn’t care about me as much as they seemed to“-

– this is what was true to me (you can tell me if it is true to you too, in principle or otherwise): I entered adulthood as a very needy child in a young woman’s body (thin, not womanly). I needed so much. No young man could have possibly given me what I needed even if he was very serious abut me and saw a future with me and cared a lot… There was simply TOO MUCH that I was missing: a sense of self-esteem, a sense of any amount of confidence in my ability to function independently and effectively in the world.. There was too much SHAME in me.. and GUILT. Too much unfinished business from a bad childhood.

From that disadvantaged position with which I entered adulthood, I looked up to people as the capable adults that I was not. I figured everyone knew better what was going on and what I should do to get along and make life work for me.. They had the answers, so I thought. Since I felt powerless, having no power in my ability to direct my own adult life, I looked for others’ power to help me. (I definitely needed help).

What I needed was a second childhood, a redo, so to re-enter adulthood with the minimal+ self esteem and confidence that is needed by any person entering adulthood. I wasted decades of my “adult” life wondering the world, (unknowingly) seeking the second childhood that never came through for me.

I am now an adult. FINALLY! And as an adult, I no longer look up to people: I no longer view people as superior to me, as powerful while I am powerless. I now have some confidence in my ability to choose correctly and figure out best plans of action in life situations. Sure, I wish I was an adult much earlier in life.. but it’s nice to have it happen sometime before I die.. to finally feel like a capable adult, to finally become a capable adult.

anita