Dear Seaturtle:

I hope that you are okay with another message with afterthoughts and further development of my yesterday’s message (while it is still fresh in my mind, the reason I am posting again this morning). Please take all the time that you need to read (if you choose to read, as always) and consider things at your own pace.

First, trying to resolve childhood conflicts with parents by proxy of romantic partners in adulthood is very, very common. Somehow the sexual factor in the adult, romantic relationship does not interfere with the projection of a parent into the romantic partner.

Second, while this is happening, what I wrote right above, your adult awareness is lacking and you think and feel that the problems are all about who N is, not aware that for Hatchling.. N is your father. If and when you become aware of this, you will be able to sort of rise above the situation and tell the difference between the real-life, current universe and that parallel universe I mentioned yesterday. With that awareness, Hatchling (the inner child) will no longer be in charge. Seaturtle (the adult) will be in charge, as she should be.

Let’s look back at your very first post in July 29, 2023 (and again, I am adding the boldface feature to your words): “I fell in love for the first time October 13 2021″- the projection f your father (I’ll refer to him as F in this post) into N was made possible by you falling in love with N. If you didn’t project F into romantic partners before, it was because you were not in love with them.

“We met on Tinder, he was late for the first date… our third date he accidentally stood me up after working an all-nighter and I was absolutely devastated, and told him it was over“- it could have been on the 3rd date that the projection of F into N took hold because N stood you up (a negative experience). Your response-absolutely devastated–  suggests this to me.

“He is not afraid of commitment with me, he talks about kids, willing to be a stay at home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!! He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him“- he is all these wonderful things.. but he stood you up on the third date and the projection of F into N was in place. Thereafter, Hatchling is focusing on N’s negatives, real and imagined.

“”I don’t think we are soulmates. But we are very in love, I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time but they keep coming back to me. OR is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ??????????????”

Hatchling’s motivation is to change F (by proxy of N) from an ingenuine, unloving/ uncaring/unkind/IMPATIENT/would-do-nothing-for-me father into the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me father.. a soulmate.

“I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now and I don’t want to waste my time, I want to move on or commit…  I am exhausted with this decision” (July 29, 2023).

A day after, you asked: “I definitely know I have a great base to nurture and this could be a solid relationship. But then why do I crave to have the same sense of humor and be on the same spiritual journey. Is it just my own issues you think? and leaving him would just be some trust and commitment issues flaring up and running away from something  good?” (July 30, 2023)-

– I wasn’t a participant at the time, so I didn’t try to answer your questions. After reading your 7-page second thread, I will offer you my answers:

“Why do I crave to have the same sense of humor and be on the same spiritual journey”?- the LACK you experienced in your relationship with F was so severe (think of it as close to a 0% match or fit between you and F, between what Hatchling needed and what F offered) that it created a CRAVING for the extreme opposite of this lack, which is 100% match, a 100% fit.

“Is it just my own issues you think?”- your issues which predated the relationship with N are serious enough to address and resolve. It doesn’t mean that N is perfect and has no issues. Of course he has issues, (everyone does), but don’t use his issues to.. sort of prove that the main, ongoing problems in the relationship is caused by him.

“Leaving him would just be some trust and commitment issues flaring up and running away from something  good?”- Hatchling is running away from something bad (a bad relationship with F), not from something good. (I am not mentioning your mother’s part in the complexity so to keep it simpler and because in your younger years, Hatchling’s empathy- and  stronger emotional attachment- were with her father, not with her mother).

When I say bad, I mean that to Hatchling, F was a bad experience, a person to distrust. Fast forward, Hatchling distrusts N because she projects F into him.

I want to elaborate on the complication in the situation: because you repeatedly accuse N of being unempathetic, insensitive, etc. (in between the positives that you express to him, the compliments, praise and support), he is getting fed up (I imagine/ understand), and like a self-fulfilling prophecy.. he is becoming what you repeatedly accused him of being.

You repeatedly accused him of being a bad person underneath his positive qualities (not a true accusation)=> he gets fed up and starts acting angry and mean.. rebelling against your accusations.

The result of this complication is that Hatchling is likely to say at one point something like: See what he said/ what he did, how terrible, how horrible he is.. I KNEW IT! His behaviors prove that my suspicions were true, that it was my gut telling me the truth! (I am referring to the title of this thread).

Or the result may be that he will end the relationship before you do, if you do. The reason I say “if you do” is because (1) Hatchling’s motivation- as I suggested yesterday- is to change the alleged bad N (F) into a good N (F) and (2) Seaturtle the adult suspects that.. like the title of this thread indicates, that it is fear (and wrong thinking fueled by fear) that drives her in this relationship, not gut/ not the truth in the current situation. And therefore, Seaturtle is afraid of regretting breaking up with him.

anita