Anita,

(to your second message from November 8th)

I may come back to this message tomorrow for a more detailed response. However I will share my current feelings about it now.

I feel like I have been dealing with two separate battles when it comes to deciding if this is the right relationship for me. Part one of the battle, is what we majorly speak about, how I wonder if N is sensitive enough for me, if he accepts and SEES me, if he truly cares about me/loves me for me. This is the part of the battle that I referred to when I mentioned regretting if I ended things because of this. I wanted to/ and still do want to do with this first, before I take on part two of the battle, because two at once is too confusing. I want to make sure I don’t end things/make a big relationship decision because of part one, because I would regret that. Seaturtle becoming aware of hatchling, and taking the reigns back is goal one. Because even if N is not my life partner, these are things  I will have to deal with no matter who I am with.

Then there is part two of my battle. If healed, and no longer projecting F into N, is N at the end of the day the person I want next to me in this life. Yes he is great in many ways, we agree on that. But there are some things I thought would be in my future partner that is missing, but this “missing” or lacking feeling, could be solved by solving part one of my battle. Many of my relationships with friends from the past and present, involve a shared sense of humor, which N and I don’t have. We often do not get eachother’s. He has said he thinks my sense of humor is lacking because I do not like “dark humor or stupid humor.” By stupid humor him and I both mean things like “Napolean Dynamite or Bench-warmers,” I also call it gross boy humor. I understand the jokes but they are just gross to me. I have a very witty sense of humor which N does not, I often make comments he doesn’t hear or get and I just laugh at myself, but this humor is what I share with most other friends, and I feel sad that we can’t share that. We do however share humor in shows like The Office, New Girl and Friends, but again what exactly we laugh at I think is very different. Also sexually, we are compatible in many ways, enough to be satisfied with. However I find alot of other things in life erotic, foreplay, role playing and texting conversations that can be very flirtatious and fun. These are how I expressed my sexuality early on and really loved. With him, he skips foreplay often unless I sort of make it all happen, I often find myself having to imagine things to get fully turned on, as he gets just instantly without foreplay. I have tried everything I know to initiate and teach those things and it is just always awkward in the end and he doesn’t get it. I also am a very feminine woman, I am also adventurous and can hangout with boys and play video games (as I did grow up with all those uncles). However, I like myself better when I embody my feminine energy, N doesn’t bring that out of me. and AGAIN maybe solving battle part one, will make me feel more comfortable to express myself. But as it stands now, N brings out my tom-boy behaviors like getting dirty outside and just an energy that is hard to explain but overall adventurous, loud, fast paced. I miss my femininity. I sort of feel like I want a man that brings the parts of me I love, out to the surface. and I am not sure if this is all due to battle part one, or if this is the relationship. I feel like just friends with N sometimes, which I know you mentioned before, isn’t a good relationship a friendship and good sexual experiences? I do think so, but I also feel like eroticism is what I want to be involved too. By eroticism, I mean a compatibility in what turns us on and makes us feel connected, I have this desire for someone to connect with me so deeply, I know it exists on this earth and I want it. Sometimes I wonder if I break up with N, a very very difficult thing, that the universe will reward me with something magnetically just magical. A bond that is my muse for my artistic visions and is like entering into another world. Love is one of the most written about/painted about phenomenon’s of this earth, and I have to believe that is for a reason, and just know I haven’t experienced what they talk/sing/paint/ write poetry about. I truly hope my hopes are not DANGEROUSLY too high of expectations and I my life will never live up to them, which is a very depressing thought and probably one of my deepest fears. Sometimes I wish there was a way to keep N as a friend as I explored my sexuality elsewhere, but I don’t think this is realistic.

Seaturtle/hatchling I am not sure here