Dear Anita,

“- feeling restrained by rules, as in being unfree, caged in, jailed…?”

Yes I often feel inspired by routine, but then after a while the rules feel like I built my own cage I need to get out of. When you used the child with her mother at work, “And so, the mother and the child can co-exist at work.” So then hatchling is the one who gets bored of my job and has me desiring new routines?

” keeping yourself hyper aware of every little thing: this emotional state in itself is a form of imprisonment.. something anyone would want to be FREE from.”

” I think of a child placed in a box that’s labeled “adult”. I think of a daughter placed in a box labeled “wife”. I think it gets claustrophobic in that box. I’d think you can’t sit still in that box.”

I definitely felt boxed in, but I think what was even more frustrating and quite paralyzing was not understanding why I felt that way. Wanting to run out of my own body and just escape this box I didn’t know how got there or how to get away from. I wanted to please my dad and fit in that box for him. Reading this makes me wish that I had the words to express myself to him, even to this day. I honestly feel like all of my uncles put me into that box, they would also comment about my clothing or mannerisms, being “girly.” My grandma on my dads side also, I remember in 8th grade I posted my first instagram post and I had cleavage in it, my grandma freaked out called my parents and that night my whole account was deleted.

“- this is what a girl does when placed and kept in a box for too long.”

“- I think that it will take a significant degree of freeing the caged girl from the box before you can figure appropriate self discipline vs over-self-discipline. The caged girl (over-tamed hatchling)- needs out of the box.”

What is interesting to me is I need to simultaneously release hatchling from this cage, but at the same time she is also driving the ship. It feels like hatchling is uncaged because she makes herself very known when N does something that resembles our fathers past behaviors.

“- he wanted you in the box: no curves and no original ideas (or humor) allowed.. In the box without anything that makes you.. you.”

You spoke a lot about being caged in a box, a “non-feminine, non-sexual/ tom boy box” and this really resonates with me. I think a part of me fears I was still in this box when N and I met two years ago, and now when I come out of my box he doesn’t understand me anymore, although this could just be projecting F into, but whether this is true or a projection I really don’t know.

“– out from the dark box to the surface where there’s light; out of the non-feminine, non-sexual/ tom boy box your father (not N) placed you in?” -Yes.

My roommate, “M” is many things that would fit into that box my dad wanted me in. She has both masculine and feminine energy but is very in touch with her masculine side. She is very laid back and does not like to feel her emotions. Her physic is literally what my dad wished I had so he didn’t need to worry about my curves being seen by men. She has a square toned muscular body with zero bodyfat, she was also a college athlete and her sense of humor can be boy-ish like N told me I lacked. The reason I bring all this up is because I worry that N met me in my box, and fell in love with her. There is a strange part of me and I don’t know if it comes from insecurity or a realistic idea, but that thinks N and M would be more compatible than me and N… If I was just friends with N and he was single and I was uninterested, I would match them on a date. Just as I wonder if there is someone more compatible for me I wonder if we can make eachother truly happy. Another reason I feel like he loves the boxed version of me is because him and my dad get along very well and honestly if I ended up with N, that is exactly what would make my dad comfortable with. N and I are very much friends and that is all my dad has ever wanted is for me to be with someone who is a buddy, not a romantic partner, which would make him uncomfortable. I wonder if N is a decision made by the boxed girl… sometimes I feel like N is the relationship I grow alot in and with, but that somehow it doesn’t work out, but then is that just because of my projecting F into N and I will regretfully manifest this relationships end? you spoke before about the self fulfilling prophecy,

Before when I said “I do believe I am unique. I think I project F into N in this scenario though, because I don’t feel like he thinks I am special.. I battle this. I often wonder if N would pick me from a room of women… I don’t know how much of this is projecting F into N“ (and you responded)” – I agree that you are unique but your craving to be unique is too strong.. like the starving person craving a steak, the craving leads to (1) frustrations that are too intense in regard to what’s lacking in the present..”

The thing is I know I have a desire to be unique, and I try to be mindful about how much is acceptable. I just don’t feel like N loves me because I am unique/special, I feel more like he loves me because I came along at a time in his life he was very alone and I am a level headed and fun person, but these are not unique to me, many girls are this way, but what separates us from eachother are our styles and personalities, which I don’t feel like N sees or really cares about… As I say that it does sound like I am projecting F into N, but at the same time I still feel like this could be true to an extent. I feel like he could just as easily fall in love with M as he did me (I need to work through this because this thought haunts me and makes me very aware of any sort of acknowledgment between them when we are all together). Like I feel his standards are very basic, but I don’t want someone who could fall in love with such different people, he calls love a choice and rationally like I get it but it also is not what I want to hear, he could just choose to love anyone? I don’t want to just be anyone and I feel like that with him and it makes me feel undervalued, not special, and not loved for who I AM.

– Think of this: two mothers take their children to their workplace. One child is used to be carefree and childlike at home. At the workplace, she plays, but not too loudly and she doesn’t run around breaking things. Much of the time she can sit still as she plays. And so, the mother and the child can co-exist at work.

I appreciate this visual.

with love,

Seaturtles