Dear Anita,

“You’ve been asking this to-be-or-not-to-be question since about November 2022, and still asking this question in November 2023, a whole year of asking and debating.”

I love you phrasing this in Shakespeare! It makes me not feel alone in this place, to be or not to be…

“Since I already did all the thinking last night, I’ll jump straight to my answer/ my suggestion: leave the relationship. Being conflicted about it for so long, and for close to half of the relationship is reason enough to leave it.”

This response makes me feel free. But it also makes me sad and makes me wonder if I incorrectly portrayed N in order to get this freeing answer. I have tried to be unbiased, but that is obviously impossible. My mom and sisters all think he is a great match, even my friends don’t understand me when I tell them I am not sure and certainly have doubts. Even my boss! N has done favors for the art gallery I work in and my boss thinks N is the most ideal man, tells me all the time how lucky we were to find eachother … It all definitely makes me question myself, but even through all of those doubts of separating from N, this statement is true : ” there is fear of leaving the relationship (finding out that your expectations were indeed too high and regretting leaving the relationship) and there is fear of staying in the relationship and missing possible great opportunities outside the relationship.” 

I honestly wish it was N, I really do. After all, when I was young I prayed that I would meet my life partner young, so we could grow together, which is a main reason I have sat in “to be or not to be” for so long. The thought of ending it with N scares me, and I hope the freeing sensation isn’t a lie. What if that freeing sensation I imagine feeling, doesn’t happen and instead it is just that, “finding out that your expectations were indeed too high and regretting leaving the relationship.”

I know that an aspect of leaving the relationship, is the good moments that you remember. Like when we were at that cabin, and he helped me through the panic attack I had about my outfit and we felt so connected when we were out there alone… I have seen glimpses of N that I would want for the rest of my life. uh to be or not to be!

(I have more to say but need to go right now and thought maybe you would see this today, but if not no worries)

Seaturtles