Dear Anita,

(this post is not a response, but a journal entry)

This morning I feel not well in my head.

Sunday night I was having a relaxing evening and fell asleep on the couch, I slept from 9pm-1:30am, about 4 1/2 hours. I came to to my room, washed my face and laid in bed, I couldn’t fall back to sleep, I was awake from 1:30-6am just eyes closed mind racing. Ended up dozing off for maybe an hour at about 6am-7am, then woke up again, then slept another 30 min or so and finally just got up at about 8am. This sleep was induced by wine and nicotine, which is new to me. I smoked a vape for the first time a couple weeks ago after drinking for fun with friends, the combination was so relaxing I craved it again about 4 times since, twice now I have been alone. I don’t feel good after I feel dry and my throat hurts, I don’t want to be addicted to this drug so I limit it to when I drink wine which is a few times a week with my roommate or alone, I don’t believe it has yet become a problem, but I am also very aware of having two alcoholic parents and I don’t want to be like them which often keeps me from it.

When I was finally up at 8am on monday, I was having bad cramps, as happens occasionally on my cycle. With the lack of sleep and painful cramps I decided to call out of work. I ended up having a very productive day, as I often do when calling out of work. I came to the “tiny buddah” forum in the morning for some self reflection and growth, I was in the space for about 2-3 hours. I then took a break to have some lunch, turn on the tv and do some laundry. After about an hour of those activities I turned the tv to soothing music and began a new course online to learn about affiliate marketing, because if I can find a way to work from home/various cafes and locations, that would be ideal for me, I really don’t like going to my 10-5 every day. It was fun for a while but now I feel like I have to do the same thing every day and it no longer feels authentic. I sell art in a gallery and it was first fun, now I feel it is mundane and boring. After two hours of coursework on this 15 day master class I invested in, I finished the laundry, cleaned up the house, then left to meet two friends at a hot yoga class.

Hot yoga felt great, as always. I came home that evening, had a healthy dinner, no wine or anything, I was inspired by my yoga class. I watched tv with my roommate then came to bed at about 11 pm, I wanted to be in bed earlier but I lost sight of that vision while talking with my roommate about the winter soups I want to try to make with the blender I got for christmas last year from my dad. Once in bed I was on my phone searching for more free trials of yoga classes, often first class being free, I also looked at cycling classes, I wanted to sign up for the morning but since it was midnight by that point I thought I should let myself get good sleep, so I booked a class for 5:45 pm, after work for today.

However, and this is where my desire to journal entry came in. I woke up at 4am, and couldn’t fall back asleep, just like the previous night. My thoughts about everything going on in my life just came flooding in. I told myself, these are irrelevant while I am laying on my bed, I can sleep and deal with these later. The thoughts temporarily stopped, but sure enough found myself in them again moments later. This happened for about an hour and I just decided waking up was less painful then laying down trying to sleep, even though I feel so tired. I decided to start my self reflection early this morning, maybe hatchling is trying to wake me up to tell me something.

To open up the pace I began reading my inner child book I recently started, “Healing The Child Within” by Charles L. Whitefield M.D. But the book took me down a dark path. I finished chapter five on “Parental Conditions that tend to stifle the child within,” reading it I had mental and physical responses I didn’t expect and still feel. I read the section on ‘Development of Codependence,’ recognizing both my parents were codependent. My dad a workaholic, and current alcoholic, although I am not sure if that started while I was young, I know for sure by the time I was 16/17. My mom was an alcoholic, always a glass of wine in the home I lived ages 7-15, before then I can’t recall, but it is still current. neither get aggressive, both parents get kinder and more lenient and sweet when they drink. The chapter included alot of other people’s stories as adults and how having codependent parents has affected their lives. I relate to every one of them in one way or another and reading them gives me a deep bodily pain, I don’t want to keep reading but I need to.

a couple book excerpts I underlined

“And because we stuff our feelings, we are unable to grieve our everyday losses to completion”

“We learn that ‘quick fixes’ such as compulsive behaviors will allows us to glimpse our True Self and will let off some of the tension” -which is perhaps why I called out of work… Although I was in physical pain and tired

Reading all the signs of co-dependence are things that resonate with me 🙁

The commonalities listed amongst all the stories of those who had co-dependent parents are inconsistent, unpredictable, arbitrary (day to day), chaotic, and mistreatment. Something very strange happened while I was reading the section under ‘Chaotic.’ It starts “Chaos may be manifested by any of the following….” but once I got to 3 my body glitched, I don’t know how to describe this feeling but I read all three, and once I read three my body literally had a millisecond of a seizure, my eyes closed and my body stuttered, like my whole body just pulsed at once, eyes shut muscles clenched, then just as abruptly released and eyes opened. It was unlike anything I have experienced, but was half a second long altogether. 1-3 read as such

“(1) physical or emotional abuse, which reaches the child shame, guilt, and “don’t feel;” (2) sexual abuse, which teaches the same, plus distrust and fear of losing control; (3) regular and repeated crisis, which teach a crisis orientation to life;”

-there were two more but right after three is when my body just fully twitched. I finished the chapter, with a feeling like I am not in control of this terror I feel inside. I know I will have mental clarity again, but still in this moment I feel afraid I am stuck in the feeling I have now which is anguish and tension.

I read this list here under the heading “Some Terms for Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Trauma That May Be Experienced by Children and Adults.” It then says:

Abandonment

Neglect

Abuse: Physical — spanking, beating, torture, sexual, etc.

Mental — Covert sexual (See below)

Emotional — (see below)

Spiritual — (see below and text)

[here there is a long list of verbs that correlate to these types of abuse, I relate to almost all but I will include ones that feel most important]

“Inflicting guilt, criticizing, joking about, laughing at, teasing, manipulating, deceiving, tricking, betraying, hurting, being cruel, belittling, intimidating, patronizing, overpowering/bullying, controlling, limiting, withdrawing, not taking seriously, discrediting, invalidating, misleading, disapproving, making light of or minimizing your feelings, wants or needs, breaking promises, raising hopes falsely, responding inconsistently/arbitrarily, making vague demands”

reading this list made my body so tense, I feel like hatchling is terrified. I do not feel good this morning, but I can’t call out of work again. Maybe my cycling class will help me sleep tonight. I hope it is a low maintenance day at work. My vibrations feel low and threatened. The book says talking these things out will help me.

Seaturtle and hatchling