Dear Anita,

I just read your last post and wanted to respond with my immediate thoughts and feelings.

Both moments of arguing have been caused by N’s behavior. He has avoided taking responsibility and has a pattern of deflection. However when he has calmed down and we discuss a few days later, he is able to see where he went wrong, still struggling to actually apologize. I don’t want to accidentally show him in a darker light than he is. I am not perfect either, I blamed him for a lot of feelings I had that were do to my projection of F, I think this caused him pain he now holds and is resentful for, I think this is where stems the response of “you worry about things that don’t matter.” We do well at communicating about previous arguments, I bring them up and have to very clearly articulate myself but he usually eventually understands, unlike my friends boyfriend who completely dismisses her.

What concerns me more than those arguments are his inability (from lack of spiritual experience)  to have spiritual conversations with me about the spiritual world. On the porch when we spoke about words having meaning and then I began talking about the spiritual aspects of words. I wanted to keep talking about that kind of thing, but he got exhausted and said he was tired of talking about it. That is what makes me disappointed more so than the arguments we sometimes have.

I have caused my fair share of arguments, when I would get upset with him for things he did because I projected F’s intentions onto N. So for this reason I feel he is allowed some arguments and some immaturity, we aren’t perfect. However the difference here is with the “c” word instance he was trying to get a rise out of me which I would never purposely do to him. That was definitely not okay, and although we talked about how words do in fact have meaning, he hasn’t sincerely apologized for how rude he was. And then with the money issue I suppose I excused him, as he didn’t apologize for that either. Darn. He is suppose to come home with me this Christmas and I almost wish he was going to spend it with his family, not to be away from him but so he doesn’t miss his family Christmas for mine, if we are not meant to be.

Losing his friendship absolutely breaks my heart to think about.

Seaturtle and Hatch