“People with white auras love deep conversations and would rather avoid the small talk. ‘This is because they are always curious to grow, gain wisdom, and understand life and the meaning of it better… If the white appears dark or murky, this could indicate ‘naiveté, judgment, self-sacrifice to the extent of self-harm, and allowing others to deceive or manipulate them in the hopes of finding greater good,'”.

And now, to your three posts from yesterday (the italicized are quotes of what you wrote, and the boldfaced-  quotes from the online link above):

“Trying to fit the mold so that you will receive genuine affection, and the mold = hatch’s cage“- Trying to fit a manipulator’s mold/ N’s mold,  in the hopes of  finding greater good, which would be the kind of love that indicates purity, integrity and a high level of spirituality, something that N is not capable of.

“Part of the damage, I believe, in our gaslighter and gaslightee dynamic, is that it made me question my feelings a lot… it has also shaken my confidence about my feelings“-  N re-introduced (F was the original introducer) the dark or murky into your white aura, having been in the position to deceive or manipulate you, replacing your gut (feelings true to reality) with fear.

“When M made that insensitive comment, and it hurt my feelings, I suddenly felt weak“- M participated in the introduction of the dark or murky into your white aura. There are plenty of people who do that.

“How do I begin to gain some self confidence in my intuition and feelings, do I need some tougher skin?“- the answer is not to close the crown chakra because of fear, but to open it even more and shine brighter.

I think that a quote from the book you mentioned earlier, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself explains how to open your heart and crown chakra when experiencing fear/  pain:

“When you feel pain, simply view it as energy. Just start seeing these inner experiences as energy passing through your heart and before the eye of your consciousness. Then relax. Do the opposite of contracting and closing. Relax and release. Relax your heart until you are actually face-to-face with the exact place where it hurts. Stay open and receptive so you can be present right where the tension is. You must be willing to be present right at the place of the tightness and pain, and then relax and go even deeper. This is very deep growth and transformation. But you will not want to do this. You will feel tremendous resistance to doing this, and that’s what makes it so powerful. As you relax and feel the resistance, the heart will want to pull away, to close, to protect, and to defend itself. Keep relaxing. Relax your shoulders and relax your heart. Let go and give room for the pain to pass through you. It’s just energy. Just see it as energy and let it go”.

“N’s last words ‘So you’re breaking up with me cause I wasn’t delicate enough with you?’ Am I too delicate? weak“- N is weak, too weak to open his heart and mind (his heart and crown chakras). You are strong because you are keeping your heart and crown chakras open and vibrating.

“Why are my feelings hurt easily and how do I become stronger, but at the same time not deny what is true?“- aim at not taking other people’s (N’s, M’s) hurtful or insensitive words as The truth. N, for example, is not about strength, but  about appearances of strength. If you see this statement as true, you will see his claims about strength and about your alleged weakness- as false.

“When I feel more invincible, after yoga, or just certain times of the month when estrogen sores, I feel less affected by others, but there are inevitably times I feel more sensitive, but just avoiding people doesn’t seem like the correct answer, often my temptation“- go to the quote above from The Untethered Soul.

“My family reminds me I am strong, but I also think I have some self esteem work to do. I don’t want to need others, I am not sure how much I am suppose to need others, because I don’t want to be the type of person that says ‘I don’t need anybody’ but I also definitely don’t want to be the opposite. this is a balance I struggle with, leaning more on the side of wanting others to be there for me, but am often disappointed“- we all “people who need people” like the song People says. It’s just that like the link says above: “this aura is so rare; not everyone gets around to unblocking their crown chakra in their lifetime”, so there’re lots of disappointments.. unless you have realistic expectations of people.

“You know what this makes me think, as an empath in a relationship with N, I must have taken on his stress for a long time… I wonder what the book would write about once an empath escapes someone who put a lot onto them.. thoughts?“- I think that the book would say that it is a very good thing when an empath escapes a gaslighter.

Here is what you wrote on Oct 23 about that bad experience: “When I lived with my partner and my triggers were being pushed at a faster rate than I could heal, I was exhausted all the time. It lead me to calling out of work a lot, I would spend my actual time off with my partner, then I would call out when he wasn’t home so I could have some alone time…  my paycheck decreased significantly and eventually I was fired“. The experience has cost you a job and an income.

Back to your yesterday post, a month and 3 weeks later, here is the word exhausting again: “With N or other people unable to be authentic, you have to spell it out for them, which is exhausting, but then, half of those times you spell it out they still do not understand, it can be so frustrating and exhausting“. N has been draining and exhausting your auras.

“I need more confidence in my instincts because wow was I manipulated, this is very validating, that there is a difference between explaining and denying. There were many times when he would accuse my intentions behind an action and I would try to explain to him my true thinking, but he would call my explanations excuses”- he denied your true thinking and in so doing, put the murky in your white aura through manipulation or dishonesty.

“It is sad. I wish I could fix him, help him to learn to take responsibility and see others pain. See the weight of words, and emotional instincts so that he could one day experience a soulmate“- it is sad that in your efforts to help him, you’d be  allowing him to destroy you.

“This is a feeling I want to express, maybe in a painting.. poem or song. The feeling of loving someone with a mask on and trying so desperately to take it off so he would see me. The feeling of feeling frozen when I suddenly see the mask, not knowing how to speak it’s language. Feeling relieved it is gone, confused how I didn’t see it for so long, sad that I am not sad.. I want to be sad, instead I feel ‘nothing with a dose of loneliness’, a good title haha.“- very well said, inspirational!

The language of the mask, of N’s mask in this case is: you (Seaturtle) are not there! Or said in other words: Hatchling, I do not want to see you or hear you: go to your cage!

“When you mentioned breaking up for the first time, I remember feeling relief“- as in the murky (confusion/ exhaustion) gone from the white light..  the spiritual energy freed from its cage, allowing for clarity and life energy?

“When I would try to guide our conversation to a more spiritual place, often his responses would be about something I was not necessarily talking about. Whereas when I talk to others they can follow me there, like M or even other acquaintances. I would instead feel sort of frozen with N as he redirected me and I was pulled out of my meditative conversational state“- like I wrote above (before reading this part), “he did not even think about or consider the content of what you said. What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect”, to redirect you.

Because of the length of this post, I will continue my reply in a new post.

anita