Dear Ben:

“I feel so embarrassed to admit that, I haven’t told anyone, but in my mind I am conscious of it and it makes me so nervous. Does it need to make me nervous or anxious? I have no idea”-

– Embarrassment/ shame is a very difficult emotional experience and it involves nervousness and anxiety. Maybe it will help you to share more about your shame..?

“I was thinking today that I’m perhaps nervous about ‘what if it all goes wrong?‘ – he gets bored of it here, with me working, the gloomy winter weather…what if… Or… Or… What if…?“-

– The brain is scanning for all the possibilities where it can go wrong, trying to prepare itself for a future devastation.

“I say this..  and then try to deploy the technique ‘What’s the evidence?’ – well… none really. He says he’s really excited about it.. ‘.. I just want to spend my time with you’“- no evidence in regard to your boyfriend. It’s the old evidence that plagues you, the evidence from childhood.

“Another pressure: part of me perhaps worries about a repeat of last time – remember… my ex visited the same time of year (gloomy winter), I was nervous, clingy, insecure… He was already distant and aloof by the time of his visit… This time? Well… I don’t really see any behaviour from his side that indicates he is ambivalent”-

– Looking at the title of your thread, Love lost, there are no guaranteed that love will not be lost, not for anyone in a romantic relationship. Key is to manage this fear, and one way to do so is to practice Mindfulness and other emotion regulation skills.

“Yet… I worry so much! I tell myself all the time, there’s nothing wrong, nothing amiss. As you say, I end up creating something amiss in my head most of the time“- another way to manage the fear is to get in touch/ become more aware of what really did go wrong, what really did go amiss in your formative years aka childhood, where this excessive fear was formed into your brain. It’d take quality psychotherapy to do that. But maybe sharing more about it here will help..?

“I know my fears don’t make any sense“- your fears make sense in the context where they originated.

“He goes for a drink and forgets to look at his phone for an hour (After I’d not really talked to him for like 5 hours) – I get upset because he then wasn’t ready for our daily call when I was ready (eye roll emoji time!)“- the brain focuses on the negative, and if the negative doesn’t exist, the brain creates it. Try to repeatedly redirect your attention to the positives.

And please do post any time you’d like to, before and during his visit. It is a pleasure to read from you, and I will be glad to reply anytime you post!

anita