Hi

I decided to post here again.

Did you feel that she felt inferior to you in that period? Did she makes some comments of that nature? For example, did she make you feel guilty because you have a better job and earn more than her?

When she was cleaning and I had better job… I think yes I thought of her as inferior. She is younger and I already had more money, I paid for her many times. So I think I saw her as less capable at this time. Also I did shopping, made dinners etc. She usually just stayed at home doing nothing.

Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much to ask, since she had plenty of time at her hands. What is important is how you viewed her: did you view her with respect, regardless of where she works and how much she earns, or you viewed her as beneath you?

I know I wrote earlier I saw her as less capable. But I never bossed her around. I never made her feel like I was paying for things.. I wasn’t rude to her like she is now to me. I feel like.. I could say now to her: “I used to buy things for you and paid for pizza, cinema tickets etc and I was never rude to you. And now you pay for avocado or give me money for balcony chair and you are treating me as if I was a stay home wife, taking your money.” But I don’t want to be a jerk and say those things to her. What I don’t understand is… She was at a bad moment in life and I was there, I didn’t care about the money. I just paid for everything. And now she has a chance to drive me to supermarket (I don’t have a car) and she uses it to feel superior. She even once said “I drive you and you can’t even have a good mood” – like I was required to be cheerful and thankful because she is driving me. I never thought of this that way. I thought WE were driving together, not that she was driving me…as a favor.

so i started to be more cheerful, more nice. And she started to be mean during shopping. and impatient, because… what else do I want to buy…

You felt bad for asking her to prepare a meal, or pick up a package once in a while, right? It could be that you felt bad because she didn’t do it gladly, she might have indicated that you see her as inferior if you ask that of her?

I think she wouldn’t feel inferior. Maybe it’s me who did not want to offend her by asking this.

Okay, it does seem like you were reluctant to say anything positive about your job and your own achievements, because you were afraid it would offend her? That she would see that as bragging?

I did not want to make her sad. I don’t know how she would perceive this.

So my question is: was she actually blaming you for having a better job than her, and so you felt you needed to walk on eggshells around her, not to offend her?

She wasn’t blaming me. But she had a hard time at work here, and previous one where she cleaned. So I always pretended like my job is shitty too. But maybe that’s just my point of view, maybe she would have been okay with me being successful etc. I am not sure. It’s just my choice that I undermined my own achievements so that she would not feel bad.

Today there was again this situation.. I don’t know if I am overreacting.

We were buying some snacks and we were at the counter. I already had my credit card and wanted to pay. When the assistant said I can pay, she said “I will pay” and I saw she was already paying.

Next we were picking up takeaway dinner at the restaurant. Again I was going to pay, I already had my credit card. And she did the same thing. She said “I will pay” and quickly paid before I could say anything.

Am I overreacting? Or is she disregarding me?

If I saw she was already holding credit card to pay I would at least say: “I will pay you back”, or “I will pay next time”.

I think she is disrespecting me by acting like this.