Dear Caroline:

“We were buying some snacks and we were at the counter. I already had my credit card and wanted to pay. When the assistant said I can pay, she (girlfriend) said ‘I will pay’, and I saw she was already paying. Next… Again, I was going to pay. I already had my credit card. And she did the same thing. She said ‘I will pay’ and quickly paid before I can say anything“-

– at this point, I do not see the wrongdoing on her part. Maybe I need context. If in the past, you told her that it offends you that she is paying for groceries when the two of you are shopping, or at a restaurant, then I could see that she’s been disrespecting you by paying. But without any context, it seems generous of her, not offensive.

Continued quote: “Am I overreacting? Or is she disregarding me?… I think she is disrespecting me by acting like this“- you interpreted the two events as her disregarding and disrespecting you, but you are not sure that your interpretation is accurate, that’s why you are asking if it is. You are suspicious of her motivation.. but you don’t know for sure.

“There are still things like me saying ‘let’s watch a movie’, and I say a title. Her quick response would be ‘no’“-  if she really dislikes watching certain movies, no reason for her to watch them. Maybe she has ADHD and it is difficult for her to sit down and watch a movie that is boring for her to watch. Again, without an incriminating context, I don’t see the wrongdoing on her part.

“SO she lets me choose too… She never agrees. Or she agrees when I complain“-So sometimes you choose a movie and she watches it with you.. but so far every time you suggested to watch a movie she said No? And the only times her No changed to  a Yes, was after you complained about her initial No?

I am asking these questions toward gathering enough information to determine if- in my mind- she’s been disrespecting you in the context of watching movies.

To determine the same in the context of paying for groceries or dinner, I ask for information as well: did you tell her in the past that her paying for groceries and such offends you? If you did, what conversation proceeded on the matter?

Of course, you don’t have to answer these, or any of my questions. But if you choose to answer, please be as clear and as factual as you can be, not including your interpretations of what she said, but only what she said (her words) and her actions, as well as your words and your actions in any particular situation.

I am trying to help you with the mental- emotional and social skill of gathering information and determining the accuracy of your interpretations of situations.

anita