Dear Renn:

“I’m not sure I really know what ‘love’ means to me.  I’ve not got much life experience, being 20! Still learning.. we all are!… basing my ‘love’ ff of how I feel like, how I feel when I look at my pet dog, right, the same sort of heart expanding feeling“- an amazing answer to a question we don’t often ask ourselves: what does love mean to me?

Your answer is universally true: the feeling of love is that heart expanding feeling. The feeling, or emotion (e-motion, energy-in-motion) of love is that energy that expands our hearts and motivates us to connect with those we feel love for. It is an energy that sets us in motion toward the object of our love, much like a pet dog who runs toward you, tail wagging.

Even though, like you said, you don’t have much life experience, being that you are only 20, you have plenty of experience with love. Not romantic love, but love nonetheless. Personally, way before I turned 20, I had so much negative life-experience with love, that my heart was too closed at 20.. still hoping, still needing love, but from a contracted, pessimistic and suspicious heart (not from an expanding, optimistic and trusting heart).

A person’s first love and first experience of love is that with one’s family of origin, primarily with the primary care taker, usually the mother. It’s an intense and enduring love that when betrayed injures a child’s heart. The child feels this injury intensely, but over time represses it and.. forgets, in a way, becomes numb to it, or indifferent. Or angry. Fast forward, the child is a teenager or a young adult, and his or her negative experience with love is a huge part of one’s long-term romantic love life-experience.

Back to you and to your original post, about the 1st guy: “Throughout the 9 months we’d been together he’d been really hot and cold“- reads like he too (like me) had a significantly negative experience with love before he ever met you, and likely it happened in the context of his family of origin, the reason for him to repeatedly turn cold

“he always seemed to care for me and was really really jealous when other guys spoke to me in ANY way (in hindsight this became an issue)”-

– he grew up with the absence of love, or without enough loving attention at home, and he was very jealous at those who seemed to receive enough of that desperately needed commodity called love. He was angry with himself for not deserving of love (so he believed, or suspected), while others were deserving of it. This intensity of jealousy is not a symptom of love, but a symptom of the absence of love.

“He continued to flirt with me, he was jealous of the fact boys might be looking at me. I assured him it didn’t matter because all I wanted was him… I confessed my love to him and He said he didn’t love anyone like that. We agreed to stop talking to each other at all“- his heart was quite closed to love, contracted, turned inward.

“I started seeing someone else about 3ish months ago and got together a month ago… he’s super complimentary of me, calls me beautiful, respects my intelligence doesn’t make me feel silly etc. very open about his emotions, however can be a little jealous at times… He’s very different to the first boy and he makes it really clear that he cares about me and it’s new to me, this kind of loving behaviour”-

– no doubt he had some negative experience with love (most people do), but maybe not as badly as the first guy.

“Boyfriend now has accidentally said he loves me while drunk, and he often refers to ‘falling for me’ and has spoken about out future, like how we’ll be married and, we had a conversation about rules that kids should have, in like a general way but I don’t think boys and girls have conversations like that if they don’t care for each other. Does he love me?“-reads like he is leaning that way, that his guarded heart is considering expanding just for you.

“I think I might love him. But… how do I know! and, what do I even do about it. I’m not sure that I’m ready for these big feelings. its scary! I know that’s how it is and, its better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all or something. please help!“- the expansion of a contracted, guarded heart is a very delicate process and needs to be treated with outmost respect. This reminds me of a nature movie I saw long ago, that of a male black spider approaching a female spider, cautiously, slowly, one step at a time, so that she does not mistaken him for a prey, an insect to consume.

I think that we should be cautious with our own and others’ hearts. This is why, reading your reply before last, about your intent, if I understand it correctly, to talk to your boyfriend about the previous guy, and about your feelings for the previous guy.. I think that it’s a bad idea because such talk is likely to close his heart, particularly because he is already jealous, as you said. Be cautious and patient with your own heart and with his.

And please post again with your thoughts and feelings.  I would like to read from you and reply whenever you feel like posting.

anita