Dear Renn:

“Does he love me?.. I think I might love him. But… how do I know! And what do I even do about it. I’m not sure that I’m ready for these big feelings. It’s scary!… Please help!“-

– when overwhelmed with feelings, one way (“happy rainbow and sunshine“), or another (“It’s scary!… Please help“) , key is to calm down and when calm, think rationally and make thoughtful choices according to your values. Have your values guide you above your feelings of the moment.

You asked if he (the second guy) loves you. Define love, if you will: what does love mean to you?

anita

Dear Renn:

“I’m not sure I really know what ‘love’ means to me.  I’ve not got much life experience, being 20! Still learning.. we all are!… basing my ‘love’ ff of how I feel like, how I feel when I look at my pet dog, right, the same sort of heart expanding feeling“- an amazing answer to a question we don’t often ask ourselves: what does love mean to me?

Your answer is universally true: the feeling of love is that heart expanding feeling. The feeling, or emotion (e-motion, energy-in-motion) of love is that energy that expands our hearts and motivates us to connect with those we feel love for. It is an energy that sets us in motion toward the object of our love, much like a pet dog who runs toward you, tail wagging.

Even though, like you said, you don’t have much life experience, being that you are only 20, you have plenty of experience with love. Not romantic love, but love nonetheless. Personally, way before I turned 20, I had so much negative life-experience with love, that my heart was too closed at 20.. still hoping, still needing love, but from a contracted, pessimistic and suspicious heart (not from an expanding, optimistic and trusting heart).

A person’s first love and first experience of love is that with one’s family of origin, primarily with the primary care taker, usually the mother. It’s an intense and enduring love that when betrayed injures a child’s heart. The child feels this injury intensely, but over time represses it and.. forgets, in a way, becomes numb to it, or indifferent. Or angry. Fast forward, the child is a teenager or a young adult, and his or her negative experience with love is a huge part of one’s long-term romantic love life-experience.

Back to you and to your original post, about the 1st guy: “Throughout the 9 months we’d been together he’d been really hot and cold“- reads like he too (like me) had a significantly negative experience with love before he ever met you, and likely it happened in the context of his family of origin, the reason for him to repeatedly turn cold

“he always seemed to care for me and was really really jealous when other guys spoke to me in ANY way (in hindsight this became an issue)”-

– he grew up with the absence of love, or without enough loving attention at home, and he was very jealous at those who seemed to receive enough of that desperately needed commodity called love. He was angry with himself for not deserving of love (so he believed, or suspected), while others were deserving of it. This intensity of jealousy is not a symptom of love, but a symptom of the absence of love.

“He continued to flirt with me, he was jealous of the fact boys might be looking at me. I assured him it didn’t matter because all I wanted was him… I confessed my love to him and He said he didn’t love anyone like that. We agreed to stop talking to each other at all“- his heart was quite closed to love, contracted, turned inward.

“I started seeing someone else about 3ish months ago and got together a month ago… he’s super complimentary of me, calls me beautiful, respects my intelligence doesn’t make me feel silly etc. very open about his emotions, however can be a little jealous at times… He’s very different to the first boy and he makes it really clear that he cares about me and it’s new to me, this kind of loving behaviour”-

– no doubt he had some negative experience with love (most people do), but maybe not as badly as the first guy.

“Boyfriend now has accidentally said he loves me while drunk, and he often refers to ‘falling for me’ and has spoken about out future, like how we’ll be married and, we had a conversation about rules that kids should have, in like a general way but I don’t think boys and girls have conversations like that if they don’t care for each other. Does he love me?“-reads like he is leaning that way, that his guarded heart is considering expanding just for you.

“I think I might love him. But… how do I know! and, what do I even do about it. I’m not sure that I’m ready for these big feelings. its scary! I know that’s how it is and, its better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all or something. please help!“- the expansion of a contracted, guarded heart is a very delicate process and needs to be treated with outmost respect. This reminds me of a nature movie I saw long ago, that of a male black spider approaching a female spider, cautiously, slowly, one step at a time, so that she does not mistaken him for a prey, an insect to consume.

I think that we should be cautious with our own and others’ hearts. This is why, reading your reply before last, about your intent, if I understand it correctly, to talk to your boyfriend about the previous guy, and about your feelings for the previous guy.. I think that it’s a bad idea because such talk is likely to close his heart, particularly because he is already jealous, as you said. Be cautious and patient with your own heart and with his.

And please post again with your thoughts and feelings.  I would like to read from you and reply whenever you feel like posting.

anita

Dear Renn:

“With regard to not always letting myself experience emotions fully: I think I kind of mean there comes a point where I’m just like ‘what’s the point moping’… It’s just like ‘we’re all still alive and happy so its fine’ Quite often in situations I just don’t bring it up  and genuinely it just stops bothering me… I just think there’s often bigger fish to fry and what I consider important/a big thing maybe isn’t always the same to the people I’m around“-

– I am bamboozled (I like the word I just used) by your maturity and healthy state of mind!!!

“To be honest, the biggest things to me that I would really lay it all on the line for are just a few of my family and the farm I pretty much live at, my animals and stuff. I’ve got a really close best friend from this farm who shares a lot of her central values with me. I don’t think anyone could ever get between me and these few things. So anything else ever is just… not AS important to me… That’s I think what I mean, probably sounds really weird!“-

– no, it sounds to me really healthy and mature. As I read the paragraph I quoted right above, I tried to memorize it and apply it to my own life. I wish many people read it..!!!

“And the ‘therapist friend’ thing: I’m very black and white, like brutally honest I think… I as a kid..  could always tell when people said something they didn’t mean, and it used to bother me…  I’ve taken the stance that if someone’s clearly not fully divulging how they feel then there’s no use pushing them into it even if I know what they really feel like“-

– I am continuously bamboozled in a very positive way by what I am reading!  To summarize your wisdom in this post: 1) You know your  solid values and priorities (family, farm, super close friends), you are anchored in them, and so, you don’t get blown away in the wind by less important things, (2) You understand that what you consider important is not what everyone considers important, (3) You understand that when people don’t say the truth about how they feel, when they are beating behind the bush, it’d be a bad idea to push them to say how they truly feel. You understand that for many, it’s not easy to be straight talkers, but it is your preference and choice

“People in general really hate the brutal honesty (but respect it) and therefore may come to me for advice“- can you give me an example of a brutally honest advice that you gave someone who appreciated it, and an example of a brutally honest advice that was not appreciated?

anita

Dear Renn:

Thank you for the two examples: the first was bamboozingly positive- you helped your friend pause before making rash decisions and consider her boyfriend’s intention and the need for improved communication. (I would have loved to have you as my friend when I was a teenager/ 20+… 30+ 40+ )!

The second example: I wish your mother considered your mature and wise advice. She is older than you.. but you are wiser than her (in regard to the example you gave, at the least).

You are a good person- your intent is to help your sister and your mother!

“He can be really moody sometimes and I’m not going to lie, it just really gets on my nerves. it doesn’t even make me sad it just really makes me angry. I’m worried that my Ex who moved away will always have something over me, because he made me feel SO comfortable at the start“-

– (1) watch for idealizing your ex because of experiencing discontent with the current boyfriend. Remember that you felt so comfortable with the ex AT THE START, not later.

(2) I am not surprised that moodiness angers you, being that you are as practical as you are and not into overthinking and ruminating. I was just wondering: is your boyfriend moody similarly to how your mother (may be..?) moody?

anita