Hello ANita,

As I re-read our communication I am getting the feel of the Freeze Response that we talked about, which we both had in common as children growing up, and as adults (an experience that has improved a lot for me in recent years).

Yes,  it is the freeze response I think.

The emotional skills I am referring to are such as recognizing what you are feeling, being able to label your emotions (instead of drowning in endless overthinking and confusion), and once you label an emotion, understanding the message behind the emotion.

Understood.

When you are not sure if your interpretation is accurate because you don’t have enough information, you need to talk to the relevant person about what happened, to get needed information, and to clarify feelings and motivations, so to confidently know what happened and proceed from there.

That happens often. Maybe I should be seeing a therapist.

if she really dislikes watching certain movies, no reason for her to watch them. Maybe she has ADHD and it is difficult for her to sit down and watch a movie that is boring for her to watch. Again, without an incriminating context, I don’t see the wrongdoing on her part.

Yes, but the thing is…It may be my fault. Because in the past I used to watch a lot of movies she wanted to, and I was bored because I didn’t like them. But SHE liked them and she wanted us to watch it.. She just encouraged me, did not force me of course.. But I don’t have my own opinion most of times.. and I did watch the movies, went to concerts I was not interested in because they were all events she wanted to see or be at. Oftentimes I was just there, bored. But I could never say no. That’s why I am angry now when she says she is not interested in something I want to see. This one time I told her I used to see all those concerts I was not interested in, I did not even know the bands. And then she kind of stopped inviting me to them. And I’m going to concert later this year, in the summer and she is not coming with me because..she is not interested. So all those times I used to go with her..I was just stupid. Not having my own opinion. I feel resentful now and stupid.

So sometimes you choose a movie and she watches it with you.. but so far every time you suggested to watch a movie she said No? And the only times her No changed to  a Yes, was after you complained about her initial No?

Yes. She agreed to watch a movie last time because she already knows I would be angry about it. That’s the only way I can get her to do anything with me.

did you tell her in the past that her paying for groceries and such offends you? If you did, what conversation proceeded on the matter?

No. She probably does it out of habit or something. Because in the past I used to not have money sometimes or she would get something expensive for her so she probably decided she would pay for everything. I would pay her back for my things. But the thing is. I could never do something like that. I could never decide “I will pay and you just..go away with your credit card”. She would not let. If she wanted to pay and I would try to stop her – that would not happen.

Of course, you don’t have to answer these, or any of my questions. But if you choose to answer, please be as clear and as factual as you can be, not including your interpretations of what she said, but only what she said (her words) and her actions, as well as your words and your actions in any particular situation.

I feel like I am not factual and just more confusing.

Maybe I need context. If in the past, you told her that it offends you that she is paying for groceries when the two of you are shopping, or at a restaurant, then I could see that she’s been disrespecting you by paying. But without any context, it seems generous of her, not offensive.

I never told her that.