Dear Caroline:

“Now I know I agreed to this city she picked but I can’t help thinking: Am I again doing something she picked? I think I kind of am. But I won’t say anything anymore because she tried and she asked and I couldn’t say. And I said okay it’s the best choice. Now I keep thinking I did this again to myself and I won’t enjoy this trip because again it was something she wants to do…  I just agreed on vacation I am not excited about. Again.“-

– Everything is difficult when you don’t own your .. own life: all relationships are difficult, at work and personally, there’s so much self-doubt and heightened anxiety when your life is owned (in your mind) by someone else, someone more powerful than you… and there is always someone more powerful than you… when you feel powerless.

From psychology today on powerlessness: “It is the feeling that we have had to, or must seriously, compromise ourselves or something we hold dear due to external forces seemingly beyond our control”, “Power exists in all relationships. Having power means to have a sense of control, to have choices and the ability to influence our environment and others. It’s a natural and healthy instinct to exert our power to get our wants and needs met…

“Impaired Power: In contrast, many of us may feel powerless and victims of outside forces. We can feel like our destiny is out of our hands. Some of us voluntarily give up our power to others. We may feel uncomfortable with exercising our own power, and believe that we will alienate others. Instead, we might react to others, defer to their wants and need, and have trouble making decisions and initiating independent action. We might feel like we’re being mean or raising our voice when we merely state what we want or don’t like.

“This impaired sense of power is common and stems from: 1. A habitual external focus 2. Shame and low self-esteem- not feeling worthy. 3. Dependence and lack of autonomy– excessive need for a relationship 4. Lack of assertiveness and deference to others’ decisions 5. Discomfort with power and a belief that it harms relationships. 6. Fear of rejection and abandonment…

“Power Imbalances in Relationships: Many relationships have power imbalances. If we’ve denied our power and don’t express ourselves for any of the above reasons, it’s natural for someone else to fill the vacuum.”

Remember how you started your first thread on tb back in Sept 2022? “I have a male friend“- he, a coworker at the time, was more powerful than you and he took over your life back then, he filled in that Personal Power Vacuum (PPV, if you will).

Back to psychology today/ do you feel controlled in your relationship: “Growing up in a dysfunctional family can result in an impaired relationship to power. Generally, this occurs if we grow up in families where power was exercised over others in a dominant-submissive pattern. Our needs and feelings were ignored or criticized. When personal power and self-worth aren’t encouraged we come to believe that power and love can’t coexist. Power gets a bad rep. We’re afraid of our own power or can only get our needs met by being indirect. We might learn to feel safe and be loved through accommodating others, by and people-pleasing… We may be unable to know and assert our wants and needs or make decisions, often even for ourselves. We relinquish control over ourselves and often defer to others or don’t act at all…

“How to Become Empowered: Love and power are not incongruous. In fact, love doesn’t mean giving up oneself, which eventually leads to resentment. Love actually requires the exercise of power. To claim our power means learning to live consciously, taking responsibility for ourselves and choices, building self-esteem, and asking directly for our needs and wants. As we learn to express ourselves honestly and set boundaries and say no, we create safety and mutual respect, allowing our partner to do the same”-

– to this day, Caroline, I have some trouble knowing what I want and/ or asserting what I want. When asked what I want, I commonly say: whatever you want. I grew up very much in a dominant (my mother)- submissive (myself) pattern of relationship. The way to please my mother when she was angry at me, raging at me with words that hurt so much (and some physical violence) was to lower my head and look at the ground. I remember her saying to me during a pause in beating me: “the only thing I like about you is that you are looking down and you don’t say anything back to me“.

I remember that sentence because it made me feel like a good girl, that there is something likeable about me, something that draws approval: to be submissive, to display powerlessness for someone powerful.. hence the birth of my own PPV (Personal Power Vacuum).

I still experience the euphoria of feeling approved of, of feeling liked- sometimes- by being submissive, as in saying to another: you’re in control, whatever you want. But then, I suffered a WHOLE LOT for giving my power away, bringing me to practical life circumstances that are hurting me now, and which I cannot reverse.

Back to your post, you wrote in regard to my suggestion that you try guided meditations: “Ok, I will do this today. In what way is it going to help?“- I hope that it will help you to slow down, to calm down, which is an emotion regulation skill required for you to think effectively when needed, and come up with real solutions to real problems, instead of drowning in self-doubt and overthinking.

anita