Dear Caroline:

I re-read your thread from the beginning, taking notes, and this is what I figure this morning after a few hours of study (I’ll refer to your girlfriend as G, and in my comments, I will be using the present tense in regard to what you shared back in 2023 and onwards, for simplicity):

About G: “She works from home and is on camera very often and her mother is coming into her apartment (it’s in the same house) when she’s in a meeting sometimes” (July 1, 2023)- reads like her mother is intrusive and doesn’t ask G’s permission before entering G’s apartment. I assume that this is not new behavior on her mother’s part.

When you met G, “She did not have a job for years and didn’t believe in herself, she had this job where she cleaned some lady’s house, earning very little money. You wouldn’t even pay rent for her monthly earnings. She had no self esteem… she was so humble, shy” (July 1, 2023). This is in line with her growing up with an intrusive, dominant mother who made G feel powerless.

In relation to G, at the time of the beginning relationship, you felt superior, the one in power: “Then I got this job and I recommended her. (I have slightly higher position)… Me bossing her around was.. I don’t know really.. telling her to make dinner while she was at my place, telling her to pick up a package etc. The least she could do, because 4 days a week she was at home (she cleaned only on 1 day)  and I worked 6 days a week” (July 1), “When she was cleaning and I had better job.. I think yes I thought of her as inferior. She is younger and I already had more money, I paid for her many times. So I think I saw her as less capable at this time. Also I did shopping, made dinners etc. She usually just stayed at home doing nothing” (Jan 21, 2024)-

– At the time, you felt more powerful than G. You wanted to help her feel more powerful than she felt, and, I think, you didn’t feel comfortable with that power, so you decreased (diminished) your power in the relationship,  so that she will feel increased: “I wanted her to be more confident and to see her succeed. And it got out of hand because I started to diminish myself so that she wouldn’t feel worse” (July 1)

But it got out of hand (your words) and she became the dominant one in the relationship: “She does this often – I like something or want something like new furniture or new tv, or just order sushi – she always says ‘Why do you need it?’, ‘No, stop it’,  ‘don’t’,  and I …. stop it. I listen to her” (June 2, 2023), “she tells me to do or not to do things all the time, and the reason might be that I ask her about everything. While we are shopping I ask her ‘should we buy this’ ‘maybe I will buy this’ and she almost always says ‘No, don’t’. ‘You can’t afford it’ ‘Why do you need this’ and it’s always on grocery shopping that she cares about spending too much money (my money buying my things – and I have my own money)” (June 3, 2023)

Growing up, she had little to no power. For example, when she accompanied her mother shopping, and her mother over shopped, she had no power to stop her mother from buying too many things (“she used to shop with her mother and she would go around the shop for hours choosing stupid and unnecessary things to buy“, June 3, 2023), but with you, Caroline, she .. sort of made up for that lack of power by telling you what she couldn’t tell her mother: “No, stop it“!, “Don’t“!

“She is in power and allows me to do things. She decides” (June 8)- I am guessing that she found this new power intoxicating.

“I hope she will stop bullying me but I am afraid she kind of.. got used to it already. As I mentioned she apologized and then she continued doing the same. I think she doesn’t really notice it anymore, it’s how she communicates with me… I hate this life. Sorry if this is too much. I coped with so many similar situations already and seems like I have no one. No one who respects me anymore.” (June 2, 2023)- she likes her new power. And you hate going back to powerlessness with which you grew up.. your old powerlessness.

You hate your powerlessness, but you keep feeding it: “I realized she tells me to do or not to do things all the time, and the reason might be that I ask her about everything. While we are shopping I ask her ‘should we buy this’ ‘maybe I will buy this’… I ask her everything” (June 3, 2023).

Why do you feed something you hate (being powerless)? I believe that the answer to tis question is in this quote: “I  feel like there is no ME in this relationship. I became HER… I do not have autonomy. I become the other person. I think I am a bit scared.. of not being someone else, of being my own. I don’t know if this makes sense but I feel like this is what is happening here. I think being separate will break us up because I need her approval, I am scared of doing something she doesn’t like, of having life that she does not like, approve, does not want to go into. I prefer becoming someone else than risking her not approving my hobbies, lifestyle etc.” (June 13, 2023)-

– Seems to me, that being yourself is scary because in your mind, ever since you were a child, being you (having your own opinions, likes, wants, etc., and asserting those), meant being totally alone. And for a child, being totally alone is a threat to one’s very life.

“We finally agreed we were going to see Italy or some other place but we agreed on Italy. And I wanted to include her in searching for plane tickets etc., because I felt like she was leaving this for me and it felt too much” (Feb 4, 2024)- she wasn’t controlling (she didn’t take your power away) in regard to deciding on plane tickets, etc., you had the power to make those decisions, but you felt uncomfortable with that power.. it was too much power, for you, too much of a threat.

What followed reads like a negotiation of where to go, a negotiation in which, seems to me, she fairly included you, and the choice of where to go was not because she bullied you, not at all in this case. You said let’s go to Athens (“I said: no, let’s go to Athens“), so Athens it is.

Back to the fear of having and asserting your own opinions, likes, preferences, etc., what happened to you as a child when you expressed such to your parents/ family members?  In my case, when I did (and I don’t remember expressing), I know that I was dismissed at best and punished at worse.. ridiculed and made fun of.

anita