Dear Seaturtle:

“To be honest I think I might be stuck in whether to categorize N as with or without a conscience…“- when I wrote about people without conscience, I wasn’t thinking about N. I remember early on that you shared that he cares about people, and that got stuck in my mind, and what you shared today about him fits with him being an okay+ guy a lot of the time. His instinctual spider behavior comes up, I think, when he is particularly stressed (like during the cash incident) and when confronted (like during the C word incident).

“I can’t help but think he is more of a conscious person that ‘struggle(s) with getting (his) needs and wants satisfied’ and that he may be part of the ‘many struggle to identify what they need and want’….Do you think there is any possibility that N and I end up back together in a healthy relationship? Am I being unrealistic to wonder if it is possible for him to take responsibility, apologize and grow with me? I just hate being reminded of his positive attributes and that I have to go look for that again..”-

– I think that there is a possibility that you and N can be in a healthy relationship if (1) the two of you want to get back together, (2) you accept him just as he is, third eye and crown chakras as they are; if you don’t try to change him, or get him to want to change; if you don’t try to make him see you any more than he does, and if you focus on his positive attributes, and get your being-seen needs, humor needs etc., with other people, in non-romantic relationships, (3) you don’t ask him to apologize for anything that happened pre-breakup. If he initiates an apology, fine; if you tell him to apologize for X or Y.. then his apology would be pointless, meant to pacify you, that’s all.

Look at your original posts on both of your threads: you’d need to accept with no more complaints everything that you complained about him in those posts.

“Whenever I would make a little wish on a birthday candle, fortune cookie or when he’d blow my eyelash away, I would wish that he was my soulmate, I so badly wanted it to be him and seems I still do. Is this 100% wishful thinking?“- I think so, that it’s a romantic, wishful thinking.

“I have been so patient in waiting for the right moment to get my things, the last chance I might have to talk to him, I want to do it right now, but some part of me I think is hoping this patience is for a reason and will be rewarding“- I don’t know, Seaturtle. How about you re-reading the two original posts I mentioned, the things that bothered you about him so much and for so long: can you accept those things with equanimity, with peace of mind, putting out ZERO efforts to change him and/ or to motivate him to change?

anita