Home→Forums→Relationships→Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships→Reply To: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships
Dear Seaturtle:
I was confused recently, ever since you asked me, Feb 14 (four days ago), the following: “Do you think there is any possibility that N and I end up back together in a healthy relationship?“, and I gave you the wrong answer. I was confused because I didn’t process some information about you thoroughly, at the time. I re-read your earliest posts yesterday, studying them, and I am less confused today, therefore, amending my answer to: no, I don’t see any possibility that N and you end up back together in a healthy relationship.
The reason, you stated it yourself, in your most recent post, yesterday: “He just lacked an emotional maturity and depth that was never going to work for someone like me, who is so curious about the world and is fed by the depth it brings. He said it, he was exhausted by depth.. that right there could have been enough to end the relationship… I still don’t see a romantic future because he did not want to have the deep real conversations we needed to align ourselves and our future“- that’s it, the Reason, end of story.
“And yes, the weed is something I don’t want to compromise. I think it can be fun recreationally, but not nightly, especially since it only distanced him MORE from his real feelings. He had a false sense of feeling after he smoked, like when someone apologizes after they’ve been drinking and it just doesn’t mean much“- his daily use of weed serves to maintain the Reason, his false apologies etc.
“I want to grow, and if that relationship with him would keep be stunted then it would not be worth it. I am happier out of the relationship! and that should be the bottom line. I have left the emotional roller coaster, I truly have, I was on a huge one and I truly feel I have exited. I miss the highs of that roller coaster, but not the lows. I deserve a steadier roller coaster. I honestly did my best in that relationship, I was willing to own up to my faults, he was not (soberly anyways)“- perfectly said. I agree 100%
So, really, it’s end of story for me, in regard to the possibility of you resuming a relationship with him.
“I am going to start writing a book. I feel like I am at such an interesting time in my life where I am heading for great things“- heading for GREAT things (starting and publishing a book) is bringing me back to the topic of my confusion and yesterday’s study:
By 22 (before getting together with N), you had no long-term relationship experience, only 5 relationships that lasted about 3 months each. Your only long-term relationship was, as you said yesterday, an “emotional roller coaster” and one that you were conflicted about and wanted to end for close to half of its 2-years+ duration.
Re-reading your complaints about N in your 2 original posts, it’s clear that you required and demanded of him complete and ever present adoration, and when you didn’t get it, you were devastated. This factor would cause the failure of a healthy intimate relationship with ANY man.
You wanted him to get all your jokes and laugh.. otherwise, you felt lonely. You were jealous at his roommate, as I understand it, wanting to be the only beneficiary of N’s resources. N took it all because he was “easy going” (made possible by his daily, heavy weed use), accommodating your cravings to be treated Special, best he could, allowing you to determine where and how you spent your date nights, taking you to fancy dinners, etc. His easy-goingness and efforts to accommodate you may be the reasons why the relationship lasted so much longer than the previous 3-months limit per relationship.
Here are a few quotes from what you shared in support of what I wrote right above:
“I do not feel physically confident IN the relationship (I know I’m adorable and sexy, but he does not make me feel it, he is silent and I don’t catch him staring at me or complimenting… My flirtation is lost on him and that is sooooooo hard for me… N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all. And in those moments, I feel so so lonely“- (1) this is a very positive self-image/ confidence on your part, knowing that you are adorable and sexy. (2) you demanded his adoration and when he didn’t deliver it to your satisfaction, you were devasted, it was so very, very hard for you, you felt so very lonely.
“He is not afraid of commitment with me, he talks about kids, willing to be a stay-at-home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!!.. the pattern ends up me calling the shots a lot, our date nights depend on my mood, the music, most of the movies we watch, it’s all my comfortable preferences, when does this become selfish?“- you called the shots, he accommodated, or tried to.
“he has many friends I don’t necessarily like… his (still) roommate is not someone I typically would have spent a lot of time with for various reasons, I felt he takes from the energy more than he gives and I felt drained when he was around. I complained to my boyfriend about this more than I should have.. On ‘overly’ controlling my environment, I feel I can be selfish by simply not wanting certain people“- you wanted to be N’s one and only person.
“He often says ‘love is a choice’ and I get that and agree to an extent but I’m like ‘ok but what do you love about my personality? like me specifically apart from others… I am not sure he sees what makes me special as opposed to another girl who’s pretty, good awareness, and fun… he is always there for me, which is nice, but… I want him to tell me he loves things about me that make me ME… I want him to tell me he loves me and that I’m beautiful… and I want to explode and just be like ‘DO YOU SEE ME“-
– ME, ME…
“I have wondered before if I am a narcissist and a taker in life… one day he will come out and say “we only ever do what you want and I’m sick of it… Above I mentioned a fear of being/becoming a narcissist”-
Mayo clinic: “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism. A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial matters. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling, and other people may not enjoy being around them. Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy…. it often begins in the teens or early adulthood..
“Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can: * Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration. * Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment. *Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements. * Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are. * Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate. * Believe they are superior to others..”.
What do you think, and how do you feel about this?
anita