Dear Sandy,

I am sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately, your partner’s behavior is toxic, because he is not willing to talk to you about problems, but shuts you off and gives you the silent treatment. It is also called stone-walling, and it’s one of the so-called 4 horsemen of the apocalypse for relationships, according to psychologist and researcher John Gottman. If there is a lot of stone-walling in the relationship, along with criticism, contempt and defensiveness, the relationship is set to fail.

You are seeing it very clearly too: “we do not have the minimal baseline for healthy communication.”

And it seems the reason for that is not you, but him. You are doing your best to try to communicate, but he is refusing. He is punishing you for bringing up certain topics that bother you, and that matter to you. He just doesn’t want to talk about it. And he also blames you for reacting too strongly to the things that bother you (all he sees are my reactions to situations), but never wants to address those things. He doesn’t want to admit there is a problem in the first place, right?

I cannot help but constantly feel at fault. I feel like all he sees are my reactions to situations but doesn’t see or acknowledge how I got there. That has been a reoccurring struggle for me because I acknowledge I am sensitive towards certain topics, I acknowledge I might show sensitivity towards other people in his life, yet I cannot help it.

I think your “fault” is in thinking that you are at fault. That if you could only be “softer” and less direct, and sugar-coat it even more, he’ll finally be willing to talk about it. But it has never happened, has it? No matter what you do, there is still a wall that he puts between you and him. And you cannot cross that wall, or circumvent it…

I acknowledge I am sensitive towards certain topics, I acknowledge I might show sensitivity towards other people in his life, yet I cannot help it.

I do not want to be quiet, I want to have a healthy, balanced conversation…. I don’t know how to reclaim my voice here.

I’d like to encourage you to talk about those sensitive topics here, on your thread. He is stonewalling you, but here you will be heard. If you want to talk about the sensitivity or the upset you feel about other people in his life, you are more than welcome to share. Your voice is welcome here.