Dear Caroline:

“When, at first, I was happy that I found something interesting… After you counted and pointed out 12 minutes I felt ‘scolded’“- do you mean that at first, when you read my Feb 5, or Feb 7 reply, you found what I wrote positively interesting, but as you kept reading, you felt scolded by me?

Let me see, in my Feb 5 post, I wrote: “Everything is difficult when you don’t own your .. own life: all relationships are difficult, at work and personally, there’s so much self-doubt and heightened anxiety“, and I quoted from online sources about powerlessness, power Imbalances and dominant-submissive patterns in relationships, and ended with this quote from the online source: “Love doesn’t mean giving up oneself, which eventually leads to resentment. Love actually requires the exercise of power…. taking responsibility for ourselves and choices, building self-esteem, and asking directly for our needs and wants…“. I shared about myself growing up in a “dominant (my mother)- submissive (myself) pattern of relationship“, and how it damaged me.

In my Feb 7 post, I analyzed, best I could, the history of the power Imbalances and dominant-submissive patterns in your relationship with your girlfriend. Seems like at first you enjoyed some sense of power in the relationship, but then lost it, or more accurately, gave it away, resulting in feeling powerless, bullied and resentful. You shared that you regularly asked her what you should do or not do (“I ask her about everything… While we are shopping, I ask her ‘should we buy this’, ‘maybe I will buy this’… I ask her everything“, June 3, 2023), and when she answers your questions, you feel bullied by her, and therefore, angry at her.

I ended that post with a recent quote from you: “We finally agreed we were going to see Italy or some other place but we agreed on Italy. And I wanted to include her in searching for plane tickets etc., because I felt like she was leaving this for me and it felt too much” (Feb 4, 2024)-

– re-reading this quote today, a month later (March 4, 2024), reads like you are uncomfortable with exercising power in the relationship (“it felt too much“), so you give her the power and then you get angry with her for receiving what you give her.

Do you agree with the above, Caroline? And if you feel scolded by me, please tell me more about it..?

anita