Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

You wrote yesterday (I am adding the boldface feature selectively for emphasis): “It’s been a while and I’ve been seeing a therapist… The therapist is talking about the emotional child state and the rational adult state… I think she feels I’m trapped still in my early adolescent child state…  often find myself feeling attacked by others, I guess I come across as too soft with others but it’s not in fact how I am“-

-Like your therapist, I also think that you are trapped in an emotional child state, that of the child and adolescent that you were, when being too soft was your way to.. get along with your mother. It was not that you were born to be too soft/ weak; it was an adjustment to living with your mother.

Your father made the same adjustment as a child, and was already adjusted in this way when he married your mother: “my mom was always at the top and my dad often seems incredibly weak… being very apologetic“-

– your mother was at the top, strong/ dominant; your father took the bottom position: too soft, submissive, incredibly weak.

You wrote in regard to your family of origin: “We basically learnt…that bullies always win“- the bully, as I see it, is your mother. Your father adjusted to her before meeting her (he had practice). You adjusted to her after entering the world through her..

“My sister… has achieved a lot by steering her partner where she wants to go. I do not possess this skill“- are you referring to the skill of bullying.. of being at the top?

The key to healthy, successful relationships is it being a Win-Win dynamic, both sides win, no one is at the bottom (the loser) while the other is at the top (the winner).

Back to your yesterday’s post: “Therapist and family both saying just take your time and be kind to yourself. I just find that really hard… I cant let go of the need, the feeling I need, to achieve things.. to compete and do well compared to others“-

– maybe you think that the only way for you to get up from under, to be at the top, to win, is to achieve things professionally and financially, to compete with others in these areas, and be at the top compared to them. But no: there are plenty of people who achieved professionally/ financially (your father is an example, isn’t he?) who remain at the bottom.

You can come up to the top today, a bit, and tomorrow some more- but not in comparison to others (that’s not the real top). It is a matter of attitude and everyday practice. Something you can discuss with your therapist?

anita