Dear Arctic07:

I am glad that my sincere praise made you positively smile!

(I am adding the boldface and italicized features to the quotes): “Yesterday , after almost more than a month of blocking him, I texted him… I asked him that why…did he give me hopes of a future. The reply that he gave was that first he was not strong enough back then… When I met him (he was dealing with the early expiring of his father), he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up… I nurtured him, took him out of depression… I knew back then that he was a very weak man, had a very laid back attitude towards life in general , but I thought that with my affection and care we could transform into better grown individuals. But I was wrong it seems so.“-

– what I boldfaced is what he was before you met him, during the relationship and after: a very laid back person, not a fighter, not someone to stand up to people in authority (his mother) or to societal conventions. His mother (supported by societal conventions) tells him what to do, for how long, and he obeys. Standing up to her, going against her, would cause him more distress than he can handle. So, he doesn’t, and it is very unlikely that he will.

What I italicized is indeed your mistaken thinking at the time: he is who he is because of the influence of his mother (and his father, when he was alive) on his life when he was a child. There is a term for the childhood years, it’s called Formative Years, which means that a person’s attitudes, core beliefs, personality, etc., are formed during the years of childhood. This means that when you met him, he was already formed into a very laid back person who will obey authority and societal conventions, and no amount of care and affection from you, could change who he has become.

* It doesn’t mean that an adult person cannot make significant changes about himself (or herself); it means that an adult has to be very motivated to change, over a long period of time, to do the work required, and not give up, to be persistent and resilient, and to receive someone’s support in the process.

“Most people say that there home is there safe haven but for me it was not so. So the only comfort zone at that time was books. Then I met him (he was dealing with the early expiring of his father), he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up… I nurtured him… I thought that with my affection and care we could transform (him)”-

– I think that you saw yourself in him and the thinking was (subconsciously): if I help him, he will help me; if I make him feel safe (if I am his safe haven), he will be my safe haven.

“Even after so much time has passed, I cannot stop thinking about him. On some days, I feel anger, on others I feel despair, on some days I feel humiliated, the list goes on an on. I am tired of thinking about him. I have tried so many things to heal myself… But every now and then my mind goes back to him. Please help me. I want to get out of this breakup purgatory“-

– breakup purgatory, another original term in my book (still impressed with you!)

I think that he was your hope for a safe haven, and that this hope is still there within you, keeping you in this breakup purgatory. You have put him up on a pedestal, so you shared, as if he was god (powerful enough to give you what you needed for so long, as a child). Here is what I suggest: when you are calm and alone, imagine him on that pedestal and reach up your hand to him, so that he (your image of him) can take your hand and graciously come down from that pedestal, a place where he does not belong. And as he is standing at your level, see him as a person, just another person, not one who is more powerful than you.

And let me know how this imagery felt like, will you?

anita