Dear Seaturtle:

“Of course I am now curious about this political figure“- I was referring to Hitler, and the likes.

“I do think he (F) was inappropriately possessive, but I don’t think it had an affect whether or not he had a girlfriend because he treated my younger sister similarly while he was with a girlfriend… we have another sister… she.. was quite over weight… he didn’t care what she wore, she asked me why once and I did not have an answer for that“- seems to me that the explanation could be that F found you and your younger sister attractive and therefore, he was afraid that others (boys/ younger men) will find the two of you attractive as well, but he didn’t find your overweight middle sister attractive, so he wasn’t afraid that others will find her attractive.

“He doesn’t understand what is appropriate and what is not. I don’t think his intentions were incestuous in any way, if told that he would be stunned at the accusation. I am trying to understand where his inappropriate behavior came from“- seems to me that his intentions were not incestuous. But he did see two of his daughters as sexually attractive women.

“This is a good point, because the awkwardness I have felt is the same feeling when he would point something out. It has taken me many years to be able to wear clothing that flatters my body without feeling dirty and awkward“- you felt dirty and awkward because your father saw you, his daughter, as a sexually attractive young woman.

“I can see this. In anxious states my go to is ‘I am alone.’ In a lower vibrational state I feel loneliness in a negative way, but in the past months of trying to find wholeness within myself… I am alone but I have me, and when I am in my higher vibrations I am content with this“- being in an anxious state and being in a lower vibrational state and lonely are synonymous; being in a higher vibrational state is synonymous with being content when alone..?

Correction to my sentence: “This core experience (loneliness) makes you very sensitive to of normal fluctuations in the level of emotional connection with the people in your life”.

“I acknowledge there is not always a connection… What was so disappointing in the relationship with N was how often this disconnect was, it was becoming the majority of our relationship, just as it is a big proportion of my relationship with F“- I think that the frequent disconnects with N were due to his chronic numbness/ weed abuse, and that in that desert of connection, an extreme thirst for connection/ to be seen was reborn. This thirst was born with F.

* It is not that you have unrealistic expectations for levels and consistency of connection with everyone, and will never be happy with anyone, as I expressed before, under the influence of my extreme, unbalanced thinking (to which I referred yesterday in my short post).

“Loneliness is the problem so feeling connected to myself is the answer?”- connection to oneself and connection to others are two sides of the same coin.

“this makes me think of my dads restrictions on spending time with my friends… my dad would say no you already hung out with them this week, or he would make me come home much earlier than the rest of them… home schooled… I wasn’t allowed to hang out wit all the girls.. I was lonely“- F kept you in a desert of connections, didn’t he:  none with him, too little with others..?

“You wrote ‘this entire debate is likely to reoccur in future relationships.’  The reason I don’t think it will is because I am on a trajectory of working to feel whole within myself and not seek a partner to fill the hole… I am happy to be alone for as long as it takes to be whole enough inside to attract a partner who is the same. Two whole people.”- yes, you are on a positive, pondering and growing trajectory. My pessimistic prediction was born out of the All-or-Nothing, Black and White thinking on my part.

“F was certainly a reason I feel disconnected. When you say ‘you were alone in those’ do you mean I was alone in the panic attack?“- you shared that N was with you when you had panic attacks, trying to comfort you, and you added that you were always alone in those before.

“I think it is exciting as well. The bees knees lol. Interesting how closely related my desire to be seen, needing to see myself, see hatch, and then needing to feel connected to myself… I want to feel connected to myself, and I do think I am on the path to doing this. I clearly want it and think my constant curiosity about myself shows me that I am trying… Pondering Seaturtle“-

Pondering, Growing Seaturtle is The bees knees, I says!

anita