Dear ParadoxMusic:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

“Knowing how humans are, I understood that in each relationship, she probably assumed that her partner then would be the person she would spend the rest of her life with“- here is my edited suggestion to this sentence (a suggestion for you to consider, or not): knowing how I am (and how my father is, and some other people), I understood that B is also like I am, and that she assumed what I assume.

But she has had this aunt/ family in her life who instilled some other assumptions, such as using sex as a tool, disrespecting one own’s body, that it’s okay for an aunt to prostitute her niece.

“I think it’s quite disrespectful that she spent a day with her ex partially nude right after we broke up. Anita, how would you feel if you and your partner broke up and the next day he went right back to his ex?… I don’t think this kind of behavior is a young people issue cause even adults way older than me have had these kinds of experiences with their partner“- I’d say, (1) yes, it is disrespectful, (2) youth has something to do with it: statistically, young people are more impulsive than older people, not considering the consequences of their actions and how their actions will affect others, (3)  yes, I totally understand your hurt and anger as a result of her actions, and (4) in the case of your girlfriend, the incident you described where a man gave her aunt money so to have sex with her niece, and how it transpired, with her vomiting, this story is blood chilling and extremely disturbing, and there is no reason for me to believe it was the only incident of prostitution that took place, orchestrated by her aunt, directly or indirectly.

This (item 4) means that there is a BIGGER picture here that you need to see: she needs psychological- emotional help, if she is open to it, help by a professional/ community agency that helps young women in her situation and background.

“What do you think? Should I give her another chance? I always believed that everyone deserves another chance, and as someone who knows the value of a second chance, I am tempted to give it to her, but this experience has completely changed my mind.“- I absolutely think that you should not give her another chance as a girlfriend. I strongly believe that you having sex with her again would be the wrong thing to do.. for you, but also for her.

“It is very hard for me to ignore the possibility that she intentionally chose to go along with her aunt’s plan as a rebound after our break up“- by the time she went along with her aunt’s plan, she had serious mental health issues, including a severe disrespect for her own body/ her own person. Question is: can she heal from the evil that was done to her, or will she perpetrate this evil to others (maybe to her own daughter, if she has one).

“It goes back to what I stated in the previous paragraph: how would you feel if your partner slept with another person right after you break up with them? I believe that is utter disrespect… If she was able to easily move on to the next man, I think it is reasonable to believe that she never loved me properly“- you mention respect and love. Back to the incident (which again, I have no reason to believe it to be the only one of its kind): a man who paid money to her aunt so to have sex with her niece, did what he did and she vomited (please do not repeat that description, it’s too disturbing to read yet again), where is the respect there? Did the aunt respect B when she arranged for that transaction? Did the sexual predator, a predator of girls/ women: did he respect B?

How about love, where was the love? You expect respect and love from a young woman who was shown the opposite of love and respect. I am not saying that you should accept the absence of love and respect from B, or from anyone else. What I am saying is that you should no longer consider resuming a sexual relationship with her, and that she gets the help she needs, professional/ community help that does not involve a sexual transaction.

“Ma’am, this is a 22 year old woman. She is a full grown adult“- yes, physically, she is a full grown adult, an so are you.

“Yes you stated that she probably felt indebted to her aunt for taking care of her. But do you think her loyalty to her aunt is more important than her loyalty to her own future life partner“- her future life partner is not yet known, and there may not be one. She doesn’t yet have a life partner, but she’s had a aunt in her life for two decades.

” (I)… who has PROVEN IT IN HIS ACTIONS THAT EVERYTHING HE DID FOR HER WAS OUT OF THE PURE LOVE THAT HE HAD FOR HER?… A MAN OF GOD“- if you choose to love her still, make your love indeed pure and godly (the gentle version, not the angry/vengeful version of god): no sex with her.

“How can any husband, father, or brother bear the pain of knowing that their wife, daughter or sister was sold off by a relative for sex work?“- sex work that wouldn’t take place if there were no husbands, fathers, and brothers who pay for sex, many who are sexual predators. Your anger is directed at the women.. not at the men?

“She lied to me for a year anita. She could be lying about some of the specifics too, I would never know… How can I bear this pain? How can I ever get over this?… there was another incident with another man, which I forgot to mention earlier. There was another man… Can you see what is happening anita? It’s literally a pattern.. You really cannot tell me that she is not doing this pattern intentionally. There is no way in hell that she did not do this intentionally“- she could be lying, could be manipulating.. likely, as is most often the case, she started a victim, 100% victim, and over the years of disrespect and abuse, turns perpetrator, to one extent or another, and she is still a combination of both. It’s up to each one of us to heal best we can from the first, and do no harm to others.

I understand your anger, but I can’t side with you in saying that B is the Bad One, and you are the Good One. The two of you (true to myself as well), share both, or three things, using the title of a movie, “the good, the bad, and the ugly“.

You want her to change.. but can you change yourself: to endure your pain and anger, and commit to be part of the solution, not part of the problem, that is, to commit yourself to love, not to hate?

“No matter what hard lifestyle she had, I should not have to be forced to put up with this kind of behavior from a woman who knows better. It is not fair that I am being a very loyal, caring man to her“- you see yourself as a very loyal, caring man to her, but you are also a very angry man, angry at her.  You shouldn’t try and be in a loving, romantic and sexual relationship with a woman you hate.

“EVERY TIME WE BROKE UP, SHE WENT TO GO ENTERTAIN ANOTHER MAN. LIKE HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE? AND I DID… THIS IS PURE STUPIDITY… Should I give her another chance?“- what do you think?

anita