Continued, part 5:

Words I said, if they sounded wrong in her mind, if they sounded inexact, if there was something missing in what I said, or not in the right order, or something was not elaborated on, something not in its complete form, one that covers all possibilities, she (my mother-monster) EXPLODED, accusing me (in her Paranoid Personality Disordered state of mind, PPD) of trying to deceive her, to fool her, to make her look stupid, to hurt her feelings, to humiliate her.

And her response: to fight back against her perceived offender (me), to strike back, to protest abuse, to defend herself from the supposed abuser, and give me hell, which she did.

I remember one time, at home, I was maybe 7, maybe 10, a cousin of similar age was with me, her mother (an aunt , and a neighbor, a woman. In that scenario, I said.. the wrong thing to the cousin, according to my mother, I had no idea it could’ve been perceived to be an offensive, no idea, no intention to offend, none, and objectively, it was nothing offensive. Her response: she EXPLODED. The aunt and neighbor stood on both sides of my mother-monster, one on each side, each holding one of her arms so to prevent her from running (the short distance) to me so to.. give me what she believed I deserved. As they held her from each side and tried to calm her, my mother-monster struggled, trying to physically free herself so to get to me, threatening: “I WILL KILL HER!”

Imagine a grown up, strong woman so passionate about getting to me, a small child, not so to love me, to protect me, but to hurt me.. to kill me.

I don’t remember what happened next any more than I remember what happened after her explosion at school, after she confronted the music teacher (told about in a previous post). I know she didn’t kill me (I am typing these words decades later), and I know that no one took me to their home. They left me with my mother-monster, alone.

This was an ongoing theme in private and in public: I said something wrong, or.. I didn’t say anything at all when she thought I should have said, and.. she EXPLODED at me.

All of my life, I’ve been mostly quiet around other people, saying nothing at all, much of the time. But I was extra careful about the words that constituted my thoughts, feeling anxious whenever my thought didn’t sound complete, whenever my thoughts didn’t address all possibilities of being misinterpreted or misunderstood, ANXIOUS about my thoughts leading to some catastrophically explosive reaction of some kind..

To be continued.

anita