It must have been a thing back then that people stayed out of other’s business even when it was terrible. Your mother is a piece. I have no words. I’m horrified.

I have noticed if I replace minutes or hours in my day with activities that create other emotions, I am not generally feeling anxiety or as strong anxiety as I feel when there’s nothing distracting me from it. The coyote distracted you from all other emotions! Not suggesting you had butt coyotes regularly as a diversion! However, the more time spent focused on something else the less time spent feeling intense anxiety.

All emotions stem from chemical releases the body creates when the brain reacts to a situation and signals the appropriate chemical release in response. If we’re constantly flooded with flight fight chemicals our body gets good at releasing more of them in a vicious cycle. A childhood filled with fear teaches the brain to be on high alert all the time. It doesn’t know how to relax and signal the body to create nice chemical releases.

We can actively turn it around, but it takes a very long time, and a great deal of commitment with only very small improvements that sometimes aren’t very obvious. It’s disheartening to push yourself to do something to create a space where you’re feeling something different, only to find the anxiety to creeps in, or the different emotion you’re feeling is so blah it doesn’t feel like you’ve achieved.

I went through a dreadful time a few years back, and I made myself go walking a lot, because while walking although my brain did wander to the things I was suffering from, it also had to focus on where I put my feet so I didn’t turn an ankle or fall. I had to navigate the world. And during those moments a slice of my agony pie was replaced with other things. I figured practise makes perfect; if I’m handed an agony pie each day I might as well replace little slices of it with something else, even if that something is mundane.

After a few too many years there are moments of sunshine in my life. I laughed the other day. True laughter. I hadn’t laughed in years!