Dear Tee,

The ex is actually a housemate, as they are not sharing rooms but sharing the house. Besides, I have no choice but to forgive that they are living together because it is not their fault that they are college students who cannot afford to get their own place, but I cannot forgive the fact that she did not let me know who he actually was even though she made me aware of the existence of a male housemate. And regarding the sexual encounter, it is just a possibility as they were both half nude but I can never be certain. I can only wonder what could have happened. So should I give her the benefit of doubt?

“It appears to me that she cannot stay away from men’s advances and men’s attention. This could be a result of her being sexually abused and used for prostitution since her youth. In other words, it could be the result of trauma.” She was not sexually abused and used for prostitution since her youth. She was only put in that state once. She was physically abused by her mother, but other than that she had a normal life. Top of the class, most known romantic couple in high school, church choir girl, etc. Even in the case of her first boyfriend, she broke up with him because she could not afford to buy him a birthday present. That is the level of immaturity that I am dealing with. Her first boyfriend treated her very well: protecting her from her mother’s abuse, getting a phone for her to call him whenever necessary, etc. The neglect from her parents may have affected her, but she was already in the process of healing from those experiences. In fact, I am the only person who took on the role of helping her heal. Not her father, not her aunt, not her cousin or ex boyfriends. It was me. I showed her what it meant to be properly loved. I showed her what it feels like to be respected. Yet she rejected me and followed her stupid aunt.

Her aunt was not her primary caregiver. In fact their relationship was not even that strong. She only lived with her aunt for a year or two, and she did not even maintain contact with her for an entire year until she needed her again. So there is no evidence to show that she had no choice but to obey the aunt. She had a job, supported herself, saved money to go to college herself without asking for help from anyone etc. Even outside of that, she had support from me and her father, and we both truly cared for her. So there is no way that she could have been manipulated into obeying her aunt. She reads her bible, tries to follow the rules in the bible, knows that a wife belongs to her husband and the husband belongs to the wife yet she still managed to put herself in this situation. Like there is no logical explanation for her action and it’s driving me crazy.

“Sounds like she was taking good care of your physical needs” False, she tried her best with my emotional needs as well, I just didn’t think of listing them which is why I said etc. She tries to motivate me whenever the stress of medicine gets to me. She even supported my music development, computer engineering projects etc. She always tried to ensure that I was emotionally and mentally well generally, but it is just when it’s regarding other men and simple misunderstandings where the issue rises.  I guess some people are just too stupid/blind regarding certain things. Though she tried her best, her best is not good enough. She refuses to listen to me, accept when she is wrong, shuts me down, always misunderstands things despite how many times I break down the information for her to process better. It is just amazing how such a woman can be the most wonderful wife and still be doing foolishness.

“She isn’t able to reject other men’s advances.” That is the funny part. She does reject other men’s advances. This woman is actually very beautiful and very sexually attractive to many men. I have seen first hand how so many men are attracted to her and she has rejected countless advances from men already. So she is actually capable of being faithful. She has people from modeling agencies, to popular music artists, to company ceos interested in her and she has rejected all of their advances. So I am just confused as to how this situation even happened. My only logical explanation is just plain stupidity.

“If she is blaming you for her behavior and telling you it’s not a big deal that she has secret liaisons with other men, and shutting you down when you want to talk about it… then she is far from accepting that she needs therapy” No she stopped making the excuse that it is not a big deal, but she continues to do things such as posting pictures of herself in very revealing bikini outfits (which is normal since a lot of women does it despite being told not to by their partner but I am not going to tolerate it). And she shuts me down when she is busy accusing me based on her misunderstanding of various situations and she just overthinks so much that she is not able to accept the correct understanding of certain things despite me trying to break down the facts to make it easier for her to understand. Eventually she understands but the amount of pressure I have to put to force her to listen is really high. I have to figuratively shut her mouth with tape to make her listen, that is the level the situation has become.

I am trying to step away from the relationship right now, but I still have lingering feelings for her. Besides that, I know that if I do not protect her, her stupid behind is going to get herself in trouble again and I do not wish to wake up tomorrow to learn that she was raped and murdered. And I also have to think about what she may have felt when she was doing all of these things. Technically, we were broken up when she decided to sleep with other man. So does that technicality give grounds for forgiving her? Should I put into consideration the fact that maybe the break up was so painful for her that she needed some form of sexual release to cope with the pain? We have agreed to try some couple’s counseling but I do not think that will work. I appreciate your advice though.

Paradoxy