Dear Paradoxy:

How interestingly unique you are, ParadoxMusic, or Paradoxy as you close your posts with, and how fitting the screen name you chose for yourself:

urban dictionary. com: “Paradoxy= the state of being paradoxical. In theological terms, it’s the act of believing in something you know to be completely untrue, e.g. people who follow the norms of a religion, believing that it will make them more worthy in the eyes of a god(s) that they don’t believe actually exists”.

This is the paradoxy as I see it (I may be wrong, of course, but this is my best understanding at this point): on one hand, you deeply believe in monogamy and sex after marriage, and you believe that B is wife material (“she was actually a very good, loyal, loving, caring woman that any man would desire. She displayed all the characteristics that I was looking for in a good wife“), but alas, the paradox: you described an alarmingly promiscuous woman during the relationship with you, a relationship of an on-and-off pattern.

You love her, but alas, the paradox: you also love to hate her, evident in the many upper case typing.

Please pay attention to my point here: of course, the promiscuous behavior you described is appalling, it is appalling to me, so I understand you being hurt and ANGRY. But what I am referring to when I say that you love to hate her, is that you found in her someone into which to project your hate for women in general, a hate that pre-existed you meeting B. So, as I see it (and again, I may be wrong), in a sick way, she is a compatible partner for you: her promiscuity gives you the opportunity to express, or process in-a-way, your pre-existing hate.

Next, I will quote your writings during our 2020 communication. (I am the one selectively adding the boldface feature to the quotes):

March 3-4, 2020: ” I loved someone, which also soothed the pain. And even better: the pain from getting rejected distracted me from the pain that I was already feeling. But eventually both feelings merged to create even stronger ‘Dark Energy‘… I like the ‘Dark Energy’ that I get when I get insulted by others“.

March 7, 2020 (the italicized is a question I asked you, to which you responded): “Technically I don’t experience pleasure when people insult me. I experience pain, which I happen to like the more I feel it. It is changing me negatively; I laugh when I see someone die in movies (especially gory deaths) while everyone else is horrified or sad. But I still don’t care… What was the pain you were already feeling? This is the pain that I was talking about in the entire topic; the pain caused from being alone, being insulted by family and etc.”

March 8, 2020: “I laugh at gory deaths cause I think it’s funny how the person dies (For example: In the movie Final Destination 2, I laughed when I saw a girl being shot to death through the head with a nail gun by accident). You see, with this attitude I’m never going to make friends so I need help figuring out another way I could keep this personality hidden or change it so others are not creeped out”.

March 23- 25, 2020: “I don’t want to fall in love ever again. I feel that love is annoying. It can be distracting, painful and sometimes stupid and sometimes make your personality change. I grew a little bit aggressive and desperate when I realized the girl I like would say no… I wish to stop loving. If I love again, I feel like more like an idiot and a fool.”

March 20,  2024: “they (your parents) don’t trust women in general because they have seen many ruined relationships with cheating and gold diggers and etc.”

As to the pain you mentioned on March 7 2020 (“the pain caused from being alone, being insulted by family and etc.”, relevant quotes: “There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated and my parents took out their anger on me” (March 3, 2020), “Calling social services on my parents is a very difficult thing for me to do since I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me” (March 4, 2020), “I’ve never been cared for by another person before, including my parents and my sister” (March 13, 2020), “she (B) is the first person to have ever loved me. Not even my own parents cared for me the way she did… She was the only person who treated me like I meant something” (March 20, 2024).

Putting all the above quoted information together, seems to me that, very sadly, growing up, you were severely abused by your parents: they insulted you, rejected and isolated you, and they punished you so severely, that a neighbor took the risk of threatening them with calling social services. In addition to their abuse, they instilled in you the core belief that women are bad, dishonest people who are not to be trusted, and this is why you asked B early on if she was a gold digger, etc. (“they don’t trust women in general because they have seen many ruined relationships with cheating and gold diggers and etc.. I told her (B) about my parents’ views and asked her if she was a gold digger or if she was manipulating me because the stories my parents were telling me started to scare me and I was worried”, March 20, 2024).

Seems to me, that the abuse by your parents created the “dark energy” you referred to, and that hate (persistent, intense anger) is big part of this dark energy. The reason you enjoyed watching people dying gory, violent deaths in movies (you mentioned a scene involving a woman dying violently) is because of the pleasure involved in revenge, revenge by proxy, in this case.

Your anger is not directed at the people who abused you (“I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me“, March 4, 2020), but at.. other people: “my anger is directed to the persons who caused this entire situation: B, Aunt 2, and the man. My first instinctive response was to go after the man, which B discouraged, but then I redirected my anger to the aunt” (March 23, 2024).

And mostly, your anger is directed at B (in the following, you are the one adding the boldface feature: ” Ma’am, this is a 22 year old woman. She is a full grown adult… do you think her loyalty to her aunt is more important than her loyalty to her own future life partner who has PROVEN IT IN HIS ACTIONS THAT EVERYTHING HE DID FOR HER WAS OUT OF THE PURE LOVE THAT HE HAD FOR HER? A LIFE PARTNER WHO HAD PROVEN COUNTLESS TIMES THAT HE IS A MAN OF GOD AND ONLY MAKES WISE DECISIONS THAT ONLY BENEFITS HER” (March 21, 2024)

The anger as I see it in the above quote is a twist on your anger toward your parents, who are religious, if I understand correctly. You are saying to them- by proxy of B- DON’T YOU SEE THAT ALL I DID WAS LOVE YOU? ISN’T MY PURE LOVE FOR YOU EVIDENT IN MY ACTIONS, ACTIONS I TOOK TO BENEFIT YOU??!!!

As I said before, you are a very intelligent young man and you have a lot of fighting energy within you. I wish that you redirect your anger and fighting spirit to where and how it can benefit you and others (friends, future girlfriend/ wife).

anita