Dear Artico7:

You are welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

“So you are trying to tell me that, his religion-society was always more important to him always?“- yes. He was trained to believe this way since he was a young boy.

“That he was fooling himself into thinking that one day he would stand up for me when deep down he knew he never would?“-I imagine that at times he hoped that his mother will allow a marriage with you, and maybe he put in some effort into getting her approval.

“This was his whole plan all along?“- I don’t think that he was a cold-hearted man with an evil plan to use and abuse you. After all, he told his mother about you early on, and told you her answer (that marriage is not possible). So, he was honest with you about this exchange early on.

Arctic07, I know all this is very difficult for you and you are hurting at this time. I also know much of life is unfair and that as individuals, most- if not all of us- are victims to societal injustices carried on through generations. Nonetheless, I want you to shift your attitude from that of a Victim to that of a Powerful woman, one who has some power (not complete power, of course) over your life. This new attitude will ease your suffering, give you strength, and it will increase the likelihood that today, and every day, you will make the best choices from what is available to you.

“I never wanted him to choose between me and his mother, all I wanted or thought, was that someone who has honor would at least fight for the cause of his love… I know that when it comes to inter-religion marriage in India, it takes a lot of strength. But this guy, he did not even put up a honest fight for me . If he was so weak then why did he harbor a relationship for so long..“?- because of his feelings for you and about you. I think that he was scared to leave you earlier partly because of how much you told him that you needed him. I think that he was afraid that if he left you (and he told you so), you would do badly in college, or quit college, or otherwise, that you will be hurt too much and you wouldn’t be able to function.

“He could have just left me in the most horrible way like now and turned deaf and blind to my woes and sorrows“- I think that you have let him hear a lot about your woes and sorrows (aka guilt-tripping) so that he won’t break up with you, and instead fight for you and marry you. Didn’t you?

“are you trying to tell me that he would naturally love any girl his mother brings for him“- no, of course not. What’s love (the feeling of love) got to do with arranged marriages anyway?

“In this whole scene, I am literally used and disposed off?“- in this whole scene, as I see it, you were not and are not a piece of trash that was disposed off. You knowingly got into an inter-faith relationship in a conservative society where such relationships are disapproved of, and like the great majority of such relationships in your society, it did not result in marriage.

“Could it have been possible that I could have loved him a little more or did something in some other way so that he would stand up (for) me?“- no, I don’t think so.

“Could he fight for another girl? Could some other girl love him more than I did?“- my answers: no and no.

“I initially loved him maybe because he was so close towards his family (you will recall that I craved a happy home and good relationship with family back then)“- I understand, and this makes me feel for you. I personally know the strong the craving for a safe, happy home.

“but now I am worried that what if I never found somebody as good as him. Or worse like it is in India, I would have to go for an arranged marriage set-up after a few years, if I am stuck with a man who is not compassionate enough… I am very much scared about this… Can you please help me with this?“- gently hush your anxious mind, your worries… slow down your anxious thoughts. It can be okay, even better than okay: you can find another gem, a lifetime partner, and look back at your worries with relief. But it will take courage on your part, the courage to shift your attitude to that of a powerful woman: a woman who can and will put the power that is available to her into practice, fairly and realistically.

anita